Retro Review: Heroes of Wrestling

Heroes of Wrestling
October 10th 1999

What’s worse than getting anthrax in the mail? How about receiving this show? Seriously, if I mysteriously die any time within the next month, regardless of what you hear on the news, it was a suicide as a result of watching this show. I hate sunshine, babies, and song birds. Life is dead to me now.

Are you ready for an explosive night of wrestling? Our hosts are! Dutch Mantel and Randy Rosenbloom are on commentary. 2,000 unwitting fans are in attendance. They run down tonight’s card, and seem optimistic that they will be quality. The show is being held in some shit-hole casino in Mississippi.

The ring announcer says someone is getting their aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaass whipped tonight. I hate him already.

The Samoan Swat Team (with Paul Adams) vs. Marty Jannetty and “Fantastic” Tommy Rogers
The entrance music is horrible generic 80’s style fluff. Before the match, Adams cuts a promo putting Heroes of Wrestling over as his venue to announce himself to the wrestling world. That worked out well. He rambles on for a bit, I fell asleep and missed most of it.

Samu and Jannetty start the match off. Samu goes directly to stalling. This is going to be a long show. Jannetty plays to the crowd in an attempt for face heat, and gets some hillbilly support. They lock up and Samu shoves Jannetty off. They repeat the spot. More stalling and some obnoxious clapping by Jannetty. Way to suck the fans into this. They tie up again, and Samu corners Jannetty. Jannetty fires his way out of the corner and cleans house on Samu. Rogers runs into the ring and somehow this constitutes as a tag. Both Samoans take a walk. After another stalling session, Jannetty remains the legal man after all. He takes this opportunity to stall just a bit more. The lock up and Jannetty forces Samu to accidentally hit his own partner. Arm drag by Jannetty and a tag to Rogers. The Samoans make a tag. I’m not sure what to call the other Samoan, as he is being referred to as “Fatu” but doesn’t look like him. I’ll be a sport and call him Fatu just the same. Fatu wants a test of strength, and Rogers is dumb enough to fall for it. Rogers catches Fatu by the leg and kicks him inside the thigh. Rogers and Jannetty double team Fatu, as Jannetty tags in. Snapmare by Jannetty into the first sleeper of the night. Fatu fights out, but gets splashed to the mat for a cover attempt. Fatu kicks out and heads to ringside to stall, and Rosenbloom actually uses the phrase “working the crowd.” The bastard just broke kayfabe! Match restarts, but Samu kicks Jannetty in the back from the apron, allowing Fatu to take control. Samu tags in and hits a nice chop and an Irish whip with authority. Referee is distracted by Rogers, but turns around too early and sees Fatu hitting Jannetty with a chair. No disqualification though, but it is alright because Jannetty fights the Samoans off himself. Back in the ring, Jannetty narrowly dodges a splash and tags in Rogers. Rogers cleans house on both Samoans. The Samoans end up hitting a double head butt on Rogers, who shakes it off and hits a double DDT. Jannetty comes back with a double bull dog, and Rogers and Jannetty hit a double drop kick. Double your pleasure, double your fun. The chaos ends with Samu hitting a TKO on Rogers and pinning him at 9:58. Jannetty and Rogers gave it a respectable shot, but this match had a lot of problems going for it, with the stalling, poor referee work, and overall sloppiness, ¼*.
Winners: The Samoan Swat Team

A Heroes of Wrestling website is plugged, reminding fans to pick up their own Heroes of Wrestling t-shirt!

Sherri Martel is backstage, conducting business with George “The Animal” Steele. Steele undresses Martel a tad, which doesn’t do her any favors. This leads to an interview with Martel, where she puts him over as insane. Steele interrupts and drags Martel to the arena.

Greg “The Hammer” Valentine vs. George “The Animal” Steele (with Sherri Martel)
Sweet lord baby Jesus, Valentine looks like hell. Valentine takes the microphone and demands a standing ovation. He puts himself over for being the son of Johnny Valentine. He demands that Steele lay down and die (that’s awful harsh) and plans on walking out with Sherri. Steele looks like hell also, but what else is new.

Bell rings and Valentine immediately runs away to ringside. He “stalks” Sherri, who flees into the ring for protection from Steele. I can tell I am going to love this match just from this beginning. Valentine returns and they finally lock up. Steele latches to Valentine’s arm, and breaks. Steele is hungry and wants to munch on some turnbuckles. More stalling, and apparently Valentine’s arm hurts. Are they even going to wrestle? Steele doesn’t even look like he’s any shape to do anything remotely physical. Valentine finally shows some fire and floors Steele to work on the knee. Sherri then turns on Steele, choking him on the ropes. And they seemed so happy together. Valentine does some choking of his own and hits some elbow shots. Steele then insults me by removing his shirt, and seems unaware that Sherri has been attacking him. Steele has some sort of weapon and hits Valentine in the neck. He tosses whatever it was to Sherri, who hides it in her monstrous cleavage. Valentine gets some more shots in, but Steele regains control. Sherri hands the mystery weapon to Valentine. He drives it into Steele’s throat. The referee is clueless, and Valentine hides the weapon in his tights by the ass. I’m not kidding. The object falls out, and Sherri takes it. Steele gets some shots in. The object is back in Valentine’s possession, but Steele snatches it. Valentine escapes to ringside. Sherri then hits Steele with a chair while the ref was watching Valentine. Valentine rushes into a cover and wins the match at 6:32. Dreadful match, just barely earns a DUD.
Winner: Greg Valentine

After the match, Steele throws Sherri over the ropes. He chases both Sherri and Valentine out of the arena. Steele throws some chairs into the ring, though I can’t imagine what he intends to do with them. Steele does the only thing he can do in times like these and rips apart a turnbuckle. Valentine foolishly comes back and gets a cheap shot in before being chased out again. This is all very depressing.

Backstage, Julio Fantastico is ready for an inaudible interview. The sound kicks in and Julio is trying really hard to be a cocky upstart ass. Whatever happened to Julio Dinero anyway? After the angle with CM Punk and Raven fell to shit in TNA, he just sort of fell off the face of the planet.

Too Cold Scorpio vs. Julio Fantastico
Hey, this match has the potential to not suck. I’ll just cross my fingers and pray. Captain Lou Albano makes his way to the commentator’s booth for the match. Julio and Scorpio lock up and break in the corner. They lock up again and actually perform a bit of chain wrestling. They exchange hammerlocks. Arm drag by Julio and a drop kick, but Scorpio catches him in an armbar. Julio escapes into the ropes, and Scorpio bounces around due to his own momentum. The fun ends with an armlock by Scorpio. Julio reverses and the match restarts. They tie up and Julio hits a shoulder block. Another tie up leads to a Scorpio headlock. Shoulder block by Scorpio, soon followed by a drop kick. Scorpio dumps Julio to ringside with a spinning heel kick. Scorpio slingshots himself over the ropes onto Julio, hitting the steel barricade in the process. I have to admire Scorpio for busting ass on a show like this. Scorpio directs Julio back to the ring for some chops. Julio flips Scorpio onto the apron and hits him to the floor. Julio awkwardly flips himself over the ropes onto Scorpio and skins the cat back into the ring. Julio slingshots himself over the ropes onto Scorpio. That entire spot just looked ugly. Scorpio then back body drops Julio over the barricade onto the concrete floor. They disappear into the crowd for a few seconds until Scorpio directs Julio back to the ring. Julio botches a blind low blow, which takes talent. Weird suplex by Julio into a cover. Nice elbow drop by Julio for another cover. Drop kick by Julio and a clothesline to the floor. They chase each other around for a bit, sliding in and out of the ring, and finally exchange shots by the apron. Scorpio slingshots himself onto Julio for a cover attempt. Scoop slam by Scorpio, who signals some high risk moves. Scorpio goes up top, but Julio shoves the referee into the ropes. Julio hits a face buster on Scorpio off the turnbuckle, but Scorpio kicks out. “Hey, this turned out to be pretty good” says the clueless Rosenbloom. Scorpio hits another scoop slam and hits a somersault leg drop and just to show off hits a corkscrew leg drop to pin Julio at 9:35. Not a bad little performance by Scorpio, but Julio couldn’t wrestle a match without botching half his spots if his life depended on it, *.
Winner: Too Cold Scorpio

Captain Lou Albano is announced to be the new commissioner of Heroes of Wrestling, something he appears to be proud of. Albano seems to be under the impression that there will be more pay-per-views like this. They must have thought there was a demand for a wrestling amongst botched brain surgery patients or something.

Backstage, King Kong Bundy lumbers his way into an interview. He’s going to tell us something. Bundy rambles on about how much peril Yokozuna is in tonight.

Nikolai Volkoff and Iron Sheik vs. Luke and Butch
Sheik looks like a pot bellied pig, and about as threatening. Sheik can barely get into the ring, and we expect him to wrestle? Volkoff doesn’t look too bad, just really old, but I’ll reserve judgment until he takes his shirt off. Volkoff sings for us! This show has just been redeemed! I’m just kidding, nothing can save this. Volkoff stops on his own, he didn’t need the Wackers to stop him. Sheik takes the microphone and rants about USA stuff. Sheik does a little trick with some weights, supposedly putting himself over in the process. Luke and Butch finally come out so we can have a match. If these guys sucked when they were in their prime, what can I expect from them in 1999?

The heels jump the Wackers to kick the match off. Volkoff actually does look to be in decent shape, good for him. I’m not even going to try and tell the Wackers apart, but one of them is bitten by Volkoff. Luke and Butch hit a double clothesline on Volkoff, and keep Sheik from getting involved. They dance around a bit, which never fails to be really fucking annoying. Sheik and Volkoff hang out at ringside, disgusted by how bad their match is going. Sheik threatens to leave if he keeps hearing “USA” chants. You’ll never believe it, but the fans keep it up. They are almost counted out, but suck in their pride and return to face the New Zealand sheep fornicators. Volkoff takes control with his old man offense. Volkoff and Sheik double team with some of the weakest stomps ever. Butch tries to make the save, but the referee taps him out of it. Meanwhile, Luke has one of the worst headlocks ever applied by Volkoff. Sheik tags in and if he eats one more piece of cake, his stomach will explode. Fans are chanting “Russia sucks” just to remind us that this is Mississippi. Sheik doesn’t really do anything and tags Volkoff back in. Irish whip with authority by Volkoff. Volkoff goes for a power slam but almost drops him. He falls over with the least impactful slam in wrestling history. Seriously, the finger poke of doom probably hurt more. Sheik tags in and delivers the camel clutch, only crappier. Volkoff misses a leg drop, and lands awkwardly. Butch tags in and “cleans house” on the heels. He shoves their heads together, but they even manage to botch that. Double Irish whip by the Wackers doesn’t work either. Volkoff has another mysterious former object and accidentally hits Sheik with it, and is covered by Butch for the win at around the nine minute mark. Easily one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen, as I think these four men managed to botch EVERYTHING! -***1/2. This would have been a prime contender for worst match of the year, but I have a sinking feeling this won’t even be the worst match of the show.
Winners: Luke and Butch

We see footage of Tully Blanchard arriving by limousine. Before he can even get to his luggage, Stan Lane jumps him. That Lane is a real vicious bad guy, eh? Now that just was not called for!

We see footage of Blanchard cutting a promo talking about how he came here to have fun and have a “good” match with Lane. He’s basically unhappy that he was blindsided by Lane, and doesn’t feel that a low profile guy like him deserves this. He claims that Stan Lane only became a champion because he was Bobby Eaton’s partner. Blanchard puts himself over as being a former Horse Man. Blanchard gets angry and rants. This interview is far more entertaining than anything previous to it on this dreck.

Tully Blanchard vs. “Sweet” Stan Lane
Lane takes the microphone before the match and cuts a dick-ish heel promo. Lane was not satisfied with the introduction he got, so he does his own intro, followed by insults towards Blanchard. Blanchard charges into the ring and chases Lane out. Great, I was in the mood for more stalling. Blanchard chases Lane around the ring and back into it only to allow Lane to get the advantage with an elbow drop. Blanchard fights back with some kicks, a hip toss, and a drop kick. They brawl at ringside. Lane hits an atomic drop, and Blanchard falls into the ring post. Lane clubs Blanchard on the apron. Swinging neckbreaker by Lane, into a near fall. About three fans are chanting “Horsemen suck” proving their mark suckitude. Lane keeps control and body slams Blanchard onto the ropes. Lane drops a leg on Blanchard’s back. The announcers are under the impression that the women in the crowd are attracted to Lane, which almost makes me spit my drink onto the monitor. Blanchard tries to mount a comeback, pulling Lane by the tights through the ropes. Irish whip by Blanchard sends Lane into the steel barricade. Blanchard applies a figure four on Lane on the outside. Lane escapes back into the ring but gets caught in a sleeper. Lane escapes and signals the power bomb. Blanchard counters into a back drop. Back suplex by Lane into a near fall. But the bell rings, suggesting Lane won. The referee waves it off, the match continues. I can’t tell if that was a mistake or not, but it sucks either way. Blanchard hits a suplex, sending Lane to the floor to tease walking away. I guess the match is over at about seven minutes. The announcers think the crowd is getting their money’s worth tonight, which I have trouble believing was not sarcasm. Oh, the match was boring too, ½*.
Winner by count-out: Tully Blanchard

Backstage, we have another interview with no sound to start off. Jim Neidhart doesn’t want to have to go to a zoo tonight and rants about Jake Robert’s snake. King Kong Bundy adds some insightful commentary and they storm off. The interviewer must have found something funny with Bundy, because he had trouble maintaining his composure at the end.

One Man Gang vs. Abdullah the Butcher (with Honest John)
OMG throws some chairs into the ring during his entrance. I guess this is the “hardcore” special attraction of the night. We cut to an insane OMG interview, who screams about not showing mercy or something, I fell asleep and missed part of it. Abby comes out, and his manager is almost as fat as he is, which is saying something.

OMG jumps Abby as he is getting his fat ass into the ring, calling for the bell. Abby pushes him off, but OMG already has a chain in hand and is striking Abby with it. OMG wraps the chain around Abby’s face and pulls on it before going back to striking. Abby is already busted open, that didn’t take long. OMG chokes some more and pulls Abby to ringside. Chair shot by OMG. OMG lightly pushes Abby’s head into the ring post. Abby tries to get back into the ring, and since he moves so slowly he makes a perfect target for some kicks to the head. OMG takes the chain again and continues the assault. OMG chokes with a chair. The announcers think OMG is risking a disqualification. REALLY? In a hardcore match? Damn, this show sucks. OMG continues to focus on Abby’s bloody forehead. Abby finally blocks a shot and jabs the throat. Abby takes the fork and proceeds to carve OMG’s head. The referee puts an end to it. I hate this show. Abby continues to carve with the fork despite the referee’s protesting and counting. OMG is bleeding heavily now, which is far more gruesome than what I was expecting on this show. Abby hits some weak chair shots. Abby hits another fork shot and tosses it to a lucky fan in the crowd. Abby drops an elbow. OMG stumbles to ringside and bleeds on some front row fans. They brawl at ringside. Amazingly, the referee calls for the bell, I assume disqualifying both guys at 7:30. This show just sunk to a new level of suck, DUD.
No contest.

Abby and OMG continue their brawl, with such notable incidents such as Abby thrusting OMG’s bloody head into a fans shirt. These people sure did get their money’s worth tonight.

Backstage, Jimmy Snuka and Captain Lou Albano are hanging out. Albano is still proud to be the commissioner, I guess he missed the last few matches. Snuka is facing Cowboy Bob Orton tonight, who is a liar, according to Albano. Snuka just stands there looking frail.

We get a response from Bob Orton, father of Randy. Orton denies his reputation as a cheater, and threatens to slap Albano if he gets involved. Pretty typical stuff here.

“Superfly” Jimmy Snuka (with Captain Lou Albano) vs. “Cowboy” Bob Orton
The bell rings and they actually tease wrestling instead of stalling. They tie up and Snuka corners Orton. Chops and knee thrusts by Snuka. Orton whips Snuka into the opposite corner, but Snuka bounces off into a crossbody. Orton fails at clotheslining Snuka over the ropes. Orton hits an elbow shot on Snuka, knocking him off the apron. Orton pulls Snuka back up the apron for a suplex, hitting it. This has been surprisingly competent thus far. Power slam by Orton. Falling splash by Orton for a near fall. “Superfly” chants from the crowd, which Orton mocks by orchestrating his fingers, which is actually pretty amusing. Orton slams Snuka again for another near fall. Orton works the arm, taking the time to talk smack to Albano. Snuka looks to the crowd for inspiration to fight out of the rest hold. It doesn’t work, and the rest hold continues far longer than any rest hold spot should. I see where Randy gets his tricks. “Bob, you suck” chants from the crowd. You know, the fans just had to make sure the heel knew he was the one who sucked. Otherwise, one might be confused, I don’t know, I’m just rambling because this rest hold has killed the match. Orton breaks the hold and stomps on the back of Snuka’s head. Orton goes back to the rest hold. The crowd is now chanting “Bob is a faggot.” That’s classy. Orton breaks the hold to address the fans, giving Snuka a chance to recover. Irish whip by Orton is countered by a head butt from Snuka. Snuka “snukes up” and fires away with strikes and sends Orton charging into the turnbuckle. Orton lands on top and suffers a kick to the gut. Snuka hits a rather nice chop, but Orton fights back and pushes Snuka down for a cover. Snuka pops out at the last second. That would have been anticlimactic. Snuka gets up first and goes high risk, but Orton cuts him off. Orton climbs up and attempts a superplex, but Albano gets involved by holding Snuka’s ankle, causing Orton to fall back by himself. HE CHEATED WHEN HE SAID HE WOULDN’T! Orton goes after Lou, and unwittingly walks into the crossbody by Snuka, who gets the cover and the win at 11:46. This was a lot more enjoyable than most of this show, but the heat segment dragged this down quite a bit, ¾*.
Winner: Jimmy Snuka

Orton argues with the referee after the match, as the crowd resumes the “Bob’s a faggot” chant. Those idiot fans deserve this shitty show if that’s all they’ve got.

Backstage, a shaky looking Jake Roberts is ready for an interview. Roberts says that Neidhart doesn’t want to play cards with him because he’ll chant. Roberts lists all the games he cheats at, so don’t gamble with him. Roberts doesn’t accept losing, which apparently doesn’t apply to his dignity. Roberts then goes on a drunken rant about Damien and his DDT.

Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
The crowd is super happy to see Roberts, I almost feel sorry for them. Jake leaves Damien in the ring and then leaves the arena for some reason. He comes back shirtless and jogging. The announcers credit this to Jake’s psychological strategy, but I’d put money on him having to vomit a little. Jake approaches a female fan and drapes her hands over his saggy man boobs. That must have been thrilling for her.

Jake gets to the ring and the match finally begins. Jake stalls to play to “We want the snake” chants. These fans are insufferable. Neidhart leaves the ring and pouts at ringside. This match is not endearing to my good side thus far. Stalling is fine and all, but when 90% of the matches utilize it, then it becomes a problem. They finally tie up in the ring, with Roberts hitting an ugly arm drag. They tie up again, with Neidhart cornering Roberts. They have a clean break, but Roberts realizes he was standing on Damien, which seems to be upsetting him. They tie up again, and Neidhart slugs Roberts into a corner. Neidhart works the arm, but Roberts eventually reverses into a hammerlock. Roberts goes for the DDT, but Neidhart escapes. Meanwhile, Damien is sticking his head out of the bag, which is far more interesting than the match itself. Jake brings Damien out and pretends that Damien is his penis as the announcer states “look at the size of that thing!” This is truly horrible. Neidhart flees the ring, as Roberts proceeds to lick Damien. Since they were almost out of time, King Kong Bundy comes out early. He talks to Neidhart, and apparently has joined the match.

The distraction allows Neidhart to jump Roberts and trap him in a headlock. Roberts fights to his feet, but Neidhart keeps the hold. Roberts shoulder thrusts Neidhart in the corner and mounts a comeback. Roberts goes for the DDT, but hits a clothesline instead. Bundy is on the apron now, talking smack. Roberts attacks Bundy, allowing Neidhart to make the attack and go back to the headlock. Bundy seems to be officially in the match now, as he stomps away on Roberts. This brings out Yokozuna, who doesn’t look like he’s in any shape to walk, let alone wrestle. Sadly, Yokozuna would pass away only about a year later. Everything about this match is depressing to me. This is apparently a tag team match now, as Yokozuna attacks Bundy, and gets jumped by Neidhart as a result. The announcer makes the tag match format official. Hurray for the fans. Yokozuna fights off Neidhart and Bundy as Roberts looks about ready to pass out at ringside. Some bald guy comes out and gives advice to Bundy and Neidhart. The match seems to restart, as Neidhart drags a dazed Roberts to the apron to bite him. Meanwhile, Yokozuna and Bundy are lumbering around, doing pretty much nothing. Neidhart rams some chairs on Roberts, with no disqualifications. The rules really couldn’t be any more vague, could they? Bundy joins the fray with a chair shot of his own. Roberts botches being thrown back into the ring, and is the target of some choking from Neidhart. Even the anonymous bald guy joins the choking fest, which the referee doesn’t seem to mind. The “former Yokozuna” stands by on the apron watching Bundy and Neidhart double team Roberts, who is now the drunken face in peril. Roberts finally hits some shoulder thrusts without even standing up, and gets the tag to Yokozuna. Yokozuna fires away on Neidhart, and is way too large for comfort. While this was going on, Bundy randomly splashes and pins Roberts, who wasn’t even the legal man at 16:49. I’d complain about the finish, excep that it was probably the least of the problems with his match. Wow… just wow. Every aspect of this match is horrible. From the vague rule definitions, to the disturbing behavior from Roberts, and the shit-ass wrestling, this sucks by every definition of the term. -*****, and I mean that sincerely.
Winners (though let's face it, this match had no winners): King Kong Bundy and Jim Neidhart

Afterwards, Yokozuna beats up the anonymous bald guy, who the announcers have dubbed “Little Bundy.” Roberts dumps Damien on Little Bundy, and the camera fades to black.

Final Thoughts: You know, I have to give credit where credit is due and say that while this show was awful, heading into this I was expecting to be dishing out way more negative star ratings than I ended up. But when your match of the night tops out at a whopping one star, you know you’re in trouble. Believe the hype, Heroes of Wrestling is every bit as terrible and mind numbing as you would expect. The main event is officially the worst match I have ever seen in any promotion ever. It is disgusting and terrible in every way that Bret vs. Owen was wonderful and glorious. The worst part about Heroes of Wrestling is that it is terrible in a depressing fashion, not even in the “so bad it’s funny” category. Even Randy "The Ram" wouldn't have wanted anything to do with this event.

So the moral of the story is, if you ever open up your mail and see that someone has sent you Heroes of Wrestling, don’t watch it. Grab a shovel and bury it as soon as possible and just hope that a poltergeist doesn’t settle in.