Retro Review: December to Dismember

ECW December to Dismember
December 3rd 2006

I was going to pass this one up, but seeing as it was free on Youtube, I figured I could stomach this. I sure do feel sorry for the fans in attendance.

I’m going to steal Scott Keith's “Hot poker up the ass” system for this show, with the proud recipient being Vince McMahon, for not letting Heyman control this brand.

Our hosts for the evening are Joey Styles and Tazz. Styles slips that a new champion will be crowned in the first ever “extreme” elimination chamber match. The Spanish announcers made the trip to this event too! This is truly the big time!

Oh, and I think 15 hot pokers are in order for making the theme song to this show the same song that opens every episode of ECW. They couldn't be bothered to pay for royalties other than "Bodies" by Drowning Pool.

MNM vs. The Hardy Boyz
That’s right, the show is being kicked off with Raw and Smackdown stars. I’d say one fiery poker up the ass for that fact alone. At least this match stands a chance of being good. Oh, this is also the first of two previously announced matches for the event, so another four hot pokers up Vince’s ass for that genius strategy.

The bell rings, and Tazz is checking out Melina. After a few seconds Mercury ties up with Matt. Matt drags Mercury into a side headlock, Mercury tries to pick up the pace, but Matt gets the hold back. It breaks and Matt reverses a hip toss and they go into a stalemate. Jeff and Nitro enter the ring, threatening a brawl, but the referee keeps control. The match restarts, and Mercury wrenches the arm of Matt Hardy. Matt reverses and shoves him into the turnbuckle. Tag is made to Jeff, who continues to work on Mercury’s arm. Matt tags in goes for the hammerlock. Mercury tags in Nitro, who runs into a hip toss. Matt works Nitro’s arm over too, and tags in Jeff, who drop kicks his way into Nitro and gets a near fall. Matt tags in and the Hardys double team Nitro and an invading Mercury. Jeff tags in, but Nitro counters a jaw breaker. Nitro tags in Mercury for a double team, and a near fall. Nitro tags in and hits a neck breaker. Nitro has been earning some big heat from the crowd all night. Matt comes back and quickens the pace. Nitro gets a shot and climbs the turnbuckle, but Matt catches him and hits a cool sit-out power bomb. Melina grabs Matt’s leg to stop his momentum, so Matt chases after her, running into a trap by Mercury.

Thanks to the trap, MNM is in clear control of Matt, hitting a double team gut buster. MNM makes frequent tags, and double team Matt at every opportunity. Matt refuses to stay down for near falls. This match has become so formulaic and basic, I don’t even want to do play by play for it anymore. Nitro takes a moment to knock Jeff off the apron, giving him and Mercury time for some double teams. Jeff tries to enter, but that is apparently not allowed by Mr. Referee. The match is so boring now that Tazz is reminiscing about his Smackdown days. Seriously. Back in the match, Matt reverses a double suplex into a double neck breaker. Matt nearly makes the tag, but MNM knocks Jeff down again. MNM copy the Hardy’s poetry in motion, while Melina screams in celebration. Mercury tries to steal the twist of fate, but Matt shoves him into Nitro, who was on the turnbuckle. Jeff is finally tagged in and cleans house. Jeff gets a close fall on Mercury, but Nitro ruins it. MNM tries to double team, but Matt clotheslines Mercury to the floor and springboards onto him. This sparks an “ECW” chant. Nitro then leaps over the ropes onto both of them. Jeff finishes the set with a crossbody off the turnbuckle onto MNM. The crowd is desperate for some fun and give this a “holy shit” chant.

Back in the ring, the Hardys hit the poetry in motion, twist of fate, but miss on Jeff’s Swanton bomb. Nitro springboards into a missile drop kick onto Jeff, as Matt and Mercury are both back on the floor. Nitro goes to work on Jeff’s lower back, capitalizing on the missed Swanton bomb. Mercury tags in and they double slingshot Jeff into the turnbuckle. Jeff is the new face in peril and suffers the inevitable surfboard stretch from Mercury. Jeff fights out, so MNM continue the tag and double team strategy. The crowd entertains themselves with a “she’s a crack whore” chant directed towards Melina. Jeff is planted onto the floor, and Melina gets some cheap shots in. MNM goes back to the frequent tags, and this match is dead. On the plus side, MNM’s offense looks good. Matt runs in and interrupts a cover attempt. Jeff tries to fight back with a sunset flip, but Nitro made a blind tag. Mercury goes for another rest hold. I guess they are stalling for time while the writers are out back throwing darts at names to decide what the rest of the card looks like.

Nitro continues the attack on Jeff while Mercury pulls Matt off the apron. MNM tries to double sling shot Jeff into the turnbuckle again, which of course means that Jeff transitions this into the whisper of the wind. Matt is FINALLY tagged in and cleans house. Matt hits the side effect on both members of MNM and nearly pins Nitro. Matt hits the off the ropes leg drop, but Nitro kicks out! Jeff tags in and goes for a powerbomb off the ropes, but Mercury stops them and inventively flips Jeff onto the mat. I’m adding a ½* for that spot alone. Matt and Jeff set Mercury and Nitro up on opposite turnbuckles for superplexes. Jeff gets a cover, but Melina is on the apron for a distraction. Jeff angrily confronts her, and Nitro accidentally drop kicks Melina off the apron. Jeff gets a very close roll-up. MNM hit the snap shot on Jeff, and Matt just barely breaks up the following cover attempt. MNM plant Jeff on the turnbuckles and try to hit a super snap shot! Matt makes the save and hits a double neck breaker off the top! Jeff hits a Swanton on both members of MNM and finally gets the pinfall victory at 22:23! This match had some very inventive spots, but also some really dead and boring spots. I would say **1/2, but I have to factor in that ½* I promised, so **3/4. No hot pokers necessary here.
Winners: The Hardy Boyz

Backstage, Rob Van Dam cuts a promo putting over the extreme elimination chamber match. RVD knows he might not walk out of the match, but the risks are worth the prize: the ECW title.

Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney
Vince gets five hot pokers for booking Mahoney in a non extreme rules match on pay-per-view. Before the match, Striker takes the microphone and puts himself over to some surprisingly potent heat from the crowd. Striker announces that his opponent is Mahoney, which the crowd is pleased to hear. Striker then puts over the extreme elimination chamber match too. Striker feels like he owes it to the crowd to restore order in a violent society. Striker teases making the match extreme rules, but swerves it into being fought under extreme enforcement of the rules. That’s right, give the crowd something else to be angry about. No hot pokers, since this was one of the better Striker promos I have heard.

Striker names his own rules for the match, including “no profanity.” Striker also has his own face on the back of his tights. That is extreme, man. Tazz and Styles have some good times making fun of this. Mahoney goes for Striker’s leg, but Striker gets a rope break. They tie up and Mahoney takes control after some running around. Mahoney gets an arm toss and locks his legs around Striker. Striker breaks free and hides in the ropes. They tease a tie up again, but Striker aggressively strikes Mahoney instead. Striker dodges a rampaging Mahoney, causing him to plummet shoulder first into the turnbuckle. Striker goes to work on the arm. A “Striker sucks” chant breaks out, while the arm attacks continue. Mahoney rolls Striker into a cover attempt, but Striker kicks out and goes back on the arm attack. The crowd threatens to turn on this match if things don’t pick up soon. Mahoney tries to mount a come back with some punches, and a side walk slam. Mahoney gets a near fall and goes high risk. Striker shakes the ropes, and Mahoney plummets to the mat. Striker rolls into an armbar. Mahoney almost taps, but gets into the ropes. Mahoney mounts another come back with his specialty punches and back body drop. The crowd is polite enough to chant around with the punches. Mahoney gets a sit-down power bomb for the victory at 7:22 after Striker teased a comeback! This match felt like a glorified Heat match, but Striker showed some good stuff with his vicious arm attacks, *1/4.
Winner: Balls Mahoney

Backstage, CM Punk is getting pumped up for the elimination chamber. He doesn’t say anything, just throwing punches. Three hot pokers for not playing to Punk’s strengths.

Elsewhere, Sabu has been found pummeled. Paul Heyman takes him out of the main event. 20 hot pokers for waiting until after the show started before removing Sabu from the match, and another 20 hot pokers for replacing him with Hardcore Holly. The crowd chants “bullshit” and I couldn’t agree more.

Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke vs. The FBI (with Trinity)
Terkay was released almost immediately after this show. Burke takes the microphone before the match and puts himself over. Like a wild animal in heat, they will leave their mark on ECW. Two hot pokers for that stupid comment. The FBI make their entrance, and Tazz is drooling over Trinity now.

Burke starts with Little Guido and they do a little chain wrestling. Little Guido steals Burke’s obnoxious hat and puts it on himself. Now that’s entertainment! Mamaluke tags in and goes for the side headlock. This transitions into some arm wrenching, and a tag to Guido. The FBI double teams Burke and Guido tries a cover. Burke manages to fight his way to Terkay and makes the tag. The FBI are more or less dead now, as Terkay is a manbearpig. Terkay methodically slugs away on Mamaluke, but misses a splash into the corner. Guido tags in and goes for a crossbody, but Terkay catches him. While holding Guido, he kicks Mamaluke with a big boot, and throws Guido at him over the ropes. This earns a “you still suck” chant. The tag is made to Burke, who gets an upper cut and then the reverse chin lock on Guido. Guido tries to fight back, and gets sent flying into Terkay’s corner. Guido quickly strikes at both men, but Terkay knocks him down. The crowd chants “FBI” as Guido suffers some double team shots. Burke hits a nice clothesline and a legsweep. Mamaluke interrupts a cover, but Burke goes for the headlock. Tag is made to Mamaluke, who hits a couple of drop kicks and a flying forearm. Terkay enters, and gets drop kicked by both FBI members into the knees. Burke suffers a double flap jack, and Mamaluke goes for the cover. Burke barely kicked out. Terkay pulls Guido out of the ring, meanwhile Burke drops Mamaluke into Terkay’s elbow and hits “The Elijah Express” for the win at 6:41. This was actually decent, as Burke and the FBI looked promising. Terkay was inoffensive, but this felt like another glorified Heat match, *1/2. Five hot pokers for the lack of extreme rules.
Winners: Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke

After the match, Terkay hits a muscle buster on Mamaluke as one fan chants “TNA.”

Backstage, Sabu is being loaded into an ambulance. CM Punk and Rob Van Dam watch in concern.

Daivari (with The Great Khali) vs. Tommy Dreamer
Daivari continues the trend of the evening of having the heel cut a prematch promo. Daivari is speaking Arabic, which still makes more sense than Khali’s English. Five hot pokers simply for Khali’s mere presence. Dreamer makes his entrance, and he looks legitimately grumpy. I can’t say I blame him.

The fans are chanting “extreme rules” and “ECW” but they are in for another disappointment. 10 hot pokers for continuing to upset this crowd. They tie up, and Daivari immediately takes control. Dreamer reverses and Irish whip, so Daivari escapes to ringside. Daivari sneaks back in and aggressively assaults Dreamer. Dreamer hits an arm drag, sending Daivari to ringside for another breather. Daivari charges, but Dreamer drop toe holds him to the mat. Daivari rakes the eyes and hits a drop kick. Dreamer falls to ringside and eats a baseball slide. Dreamer reverses an Irish whip and sends Daivari into the barricade. Khali helps Daivari up, so this thrilling bout can continue. Back in the ring, Dreamer hits a suplex and runs into the ropes, but Khali pulls the ropes, causing Dreamer to crash to the floor. The referee kicks Khali out of the arena. The match restarts with Daivari hitting some basic offense. The crowd is chanting “we want hardcore.” I can’t help but think the Vince interpreted that chant as the crowd wanting Bob Holly.

Daivari has a headlock on Dreamer, because this match really needed a rest hold. Dreamer fights out, but that crafty Daivari continues with the generic offense and another rest hold. The crowd is chanting “fuck him up, Dreamer.” Daivari gets a sleeper in and the crowd is absolutely shitting on this now. They were patient up until now, I give them credit for that. 30 hot pokers just for the hell of it. Dreamer drops Daivari back to the mat, and both men are down. They trade shots while standing up, with Dreamer winning the exchange. Dreamer hits a back body drop and a scoop slam. Dreamer hits an inverted DDT and gets a close fall. Dreamer goes for the Dreamer Driver, but Daivari goes for the eyes and escapes. Daivari climbs up top, but Dreamer follows, only to get knocked down. Daivari misses a flying cross body. Dreamer places Daivari in the tree of woe and the crowd wakes up. Dreamer hits a drop kick to the head. Daivari almost immediately comes back with a roll up and pulls on the tights for the victory at 7:23! The crowd did not like that one single bit. 50 hot pokers for continuing to piss off an already angry crowd and DUD.
Winner: Daivari

After the match, Khali reemerges and hits the double Chokeslam on Dreamer right onto the stage. Something the WWE does not seem to realize is that if they wanted the new ECW to work, they needed to treat the ECW originals like stars, even if they weren’t in the larger scaled of the WWE. Treating Dreamer like a jobber only pisses off the old ECW fans and makes the new fans wonder why Dreamer was such a big deal in the first place. 50 more hot pokers for using Dreamer to put over Daivari and Khali, both of which would be shipped to the other brands soon after.

We are treated to some hype for See No Evil. 50 hot pokers for using the brand that is supposed to be rebellious against all things WWE to promote a WWE movie.

Backstage, Paul Heyman is wandering around. He finds Hardcore Holly and officially puts him into the main event as an attempt to do “what is best for ECW.” 15 hot pokers for making Heyman say such a crock of shit. The crowd is pissed off that Holly is in the main event.

Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly vs. Kevin Thorn and Ariel
Kelly takes the microphone before the match and wishes CM Punk good luck in the extreme elimination chamber. Knox is not pleased with this, and a great “CM Punk” chant breaks out. Thorn and Ariel have an awesome entrance, thought I’d mention that. I actually enjoy the entire vampirism gimmick, I just wish that they’d given Thorn a more bad-ass name. Imagine if in 1998, the Brood had consisted of David Fang, Adam Edge, and Christian Cage? Well, the last part kind of stuck, but sue me.

Knox and Thorn kick the match off, while Tazz and Styles speculate about “bite clubs.” They tie up and shove each other off. Knox misses a clothesline and Thorn fires away with some shots. Thorn whips Knox into an elbow and stomps away at the back. Knox pulls Thorn by the hair and hits a great looking lariat clothesline. Knox angrily punches away at Thorn. This doesn’t last, as Thorn comes back with a clothesline. The crowd is dead, but at least they aren’t openly booing. Thorn beats Knox into the corner and is pulled off by the ref. This seemingly turned Ariel on. Knox comes back with a snapmare, but is unable to keep long term control. He does hit a big boot and gets a near fall. Knox goes for a sleeper, because we haven’t seen enough of those tonight. 15 hot pokers just for the boring nature of these matches. Thorn pushes Knox into his corner while trapped in the head lock and tags in Ariel. Knox reluctantly tags in Kelly. Ariel dominates Kelly right away. Kelly is totally inexperienced, so they are limited in what they can do. Ariel tries to cover by stomping, punching, and choking. Kelly tries to make the tag to Knox, but Ariel keeps up the attack. Kelly kicks Ariel off of her, but Knox decides he’d rather not make the tag and walks off. Ariel finishes Kelly with a legsweep for the victory at 7:43. This was horrible, but at least something significant happened, ¼*. Unfortunately, this match didn’t do any favors for any of the participants.
Winners: Kevin Thorn and Ariel

After the match, Ariel keeps attacking Kelly, but The Sandman makes an unscheduled appearance. 25 hot pokers for not booking Sandman in a match. The crowd is happy to see Sandman, who has a kendo stick in hand. Sandman unleashes his fury on Thorn, and the crowd comes alive at the sight of some actual violence!

Backstage, Michael Cole is pimping Smackdown’s pay-per-view, Armageddon. 10 hot pokers for this blatant shilling, and for holding so many pay-per-views in such a short amount of time. And to think, the WWE actually are confused as to why the buyrates to all of those late 2006 shows were so pathetic.

Backstage, some random diva is standing by with Bobby Lashley. They take a look back at Lashley’s match against the Big Show from a couple weeks ago. The match ended when Heyman orchestrated a beat down on Lashley, thanks to Test and Show. 15 hot pokers for giving Lashley mic time. Lashley doesn’t give a damn what Heyman throws at him, because nothing can stop him. He is one man with one mission, and that’s to be the ECW World Champion.

That’s right, it is time for the main event after only about an hour and a half. 30 hot pokers for holding such a short pay-per-view, this was barely longer than one of those old TNA weekly shows.

ECW World Championship:
Extreme Elimination Chamber
Big Show © vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Bobby Lashley vs. CM Punk vs. Test
Rob Van Dam and Hardcore Holly are the first two in the match. RVD takes control with his trademark offense, until running into a clothesline. Holly tries to pin RVD in the early going. Holly kicks away, but RVD fires back with some punches. The action spills over the ropes into the steel area. RVD leaps off the ropes but misses Holly. RVD bounces off the cage but misses Holly again, landing in the ropes. Holly rams RVD head first into the cage, and the crowd is actually enjoying this. Holly slams RVD onto the steel and climbs the turnbuckle. RVD gets a boot to the face of an incoming Holly, in a seriously contrived spot. RVD then hits a rolling thunder over the ropes onto Holly on the steel. RVD should really participate in more of these matches. Holly reverses a suplex and drops RVD back into the ring. Holly goes for a cover, but RVD is still alive. Holly soon hits a big drop kick and goes for another cover.

The first man out of the chamber is CM Punk, who immediately throws a chair at Holly and springboards off the ropes into RVD. Punk tosses the chair at RVD, who catches it and throws it right back at him. RVD then sloppily monkey flips Punk onto the chair. Punk then dodges some kicks from RVD and leg drops him onto the chair. Punk is in control of RVD, hitting some elbow shots and driving his head into a chair positioned in the ropes. Punk goes for a head scissors on Holly on the steel, but Holly catches him and swings him into the cage! Big “CM Punk” chant from the fans, as Holly dominates him. Holly plants Punk gut first on the ropes and kicks him in the head. Holly sets Punk up on the top rope and chops him. Holly hits a big superplex. RVD goes for the cover on Punk, who kicks out. That would have been really lame. Holly goes for a cover too, but Punk kicks out again. Punk reverses an Irish whip on Holly, and goes for a bull dog but gets kicked in the face by RVD. Test is the next man in the match.

Test has a weapon and goes straight to rubbing it in RVD’s face. Test then chokes the life out of Punk. The weapon appears to be a cane. Test goes back to Punk, who surprises him with a stunner. RVD is meanwhile battling Holly, but takes a moment to hit Test with a chair. RVD then drop kicks the chair right onto CM Punk’s face! RVD goes top rope and hits the five star frog splash and eliminates CM Punk at 12:22. 15 hot pokers up the ass for making Punk the first elimination. Test big boots Holly and almost pins him. Actually, it counted as an elimination, even though Holly appeared to kick out. So, Holly is eliminated at 12:40. That was pointless, let’s give another 10 hot pokers to Vince’s ass. RVD climbs to the top and hits a flying kick on Test. RVD goes for the five star frog splash again, this time on top of Big Show’s chamber. Show grabs RVD through the ceiling, allowing Test to climb up and hit RVD with a chair. Test drops RVD to the mat and places the chair on top of him. Test climbs to the top of Show’s chamber and hits a HUGE flying elbow! That was awesome! Test then eliminates Rob Van Dam at 13:58, which is awful booking, 25 hot pokers for that. It would have been more, if Test’s elbow drop had not been awesome. The crowd is pissed off, and rightfully so. They eliminated Punk and RVD only so that they wouldn’t get more crowd support than Lashley, and if that was the case than 50 hot pokers for Lashley being in this match in the first place.

Lashley joins the match, but Heyman’s cronies prevent the official from opening his chamber. Test taunts him from outside, so Lashley grabs the table in the chamber and uses it to break through the ceiling. Test climbs up to meet him, but gets kicked down. Lashley hits a flying clothesline off the turnbuckle. Lashley dominates Test, throwing him into the cage walls. The action spills back into the ring, where Test regains control, choking Lashley with his boot. Test takes a chair, but Lashley kicks it into his head. Lashley hits a series of clotheslines, as the crowd boos. Lashley connects with a snap suplex and dodges a chair shot. Lashley spears Test and eliminates him at 19:38. The crowd is not happy with how this match is turning out. There is still more than a minute before Big Show enters the ring, so he takes advice from a screaming Paul Heyman at ringside. Lashley prepares for Show by getting the table out of his chamber. The minute goes by really slowly, and Lashley throws a chair at Show’s chamber to try and keep things interesting.

Big Show finally enters the match, and is yielding a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. Show swings the bat, but Lashley blocks it with the chair. Show gets the bat stuck in the cage, allowing Lashley to get a chair shot in. Lashley rams Show’s head into the steel and poses to a great amount of jeers from the jaded fans. Lashley then whips Big Show into the bullet proof glass chamber, shattering it. Lashley violently pursues Show, who is bleeding now. Lashley is then tossed over the ropes into the ring. Show hits a clothesline and signals the Chokeslam. Lashley blocks the Chokeslam and hits a DDT. They trade shots until Show pushes Lashley into the corner. Lashley then runs into Show’s arms, but escapes a slam. Lashley hits a big spear for the win at 24:41 and becomes the ECW World Champion! This definitely gets a mixed reaction from the fans. I’m watching this with Spanish commentary on, so I’m sure I’m missing some awesome crowd chants, but oh well. 25 hot pokers for Lashley winning the ECW title about two weeks after joining the brand, an extra 30 hot pokers for eliminating RVD and Punk so quickly, and 50 pokers for making Big Show’s final pay-per-view match before retirement go down this way. Aside from the bad taste of the booking here, the match was pretty solid, had some great spots involving the chamber, and kept a good pace, **3/4.
Winner and new ECW World Champion: Bobby Lashley

Final Thoughts: Reviewing this show has given me a headache. This pay-per-view is a study in awfulness. It was like Vince and company wanted this show to fail in the worst way possible. From removing Sabu from the main event, to rubbing it in the fans faces that the midcard matches weren’t extreme rules, to eliminating RVD and Punk because they knew they would be favored over Lashley, to having the show just barely reach the two hour mark, I don’t even know how to begin to comprehend how anyone backstage at WWE thought this show was a good idea. If this wasn’t blatant sabotage, then Vince is really out of his mind.

What is even more amazing is that Vince thinks the tactic of only announcing two matches beforehand was a good idea and that it will be used for other brand pay-per-views in the future. I really hope the abysmal buyrate of 90,000 snapped him out of that mindset.

Finally, they had SIX MONTHS to build this show after One Night Stand. And what did they do with those six months? Did they develop meaningful feuds and push a strong midcard? No, they jobbed the ECW originals to guys who weren’t going to get over anyway, and had frequent guest stars from Raw and Smackdown to try and boost ratings. The few feuds they did have going (RVD vs. Show, Punk vs. Knox) were basically forgotten about. The devolution of ECW from One Night Stand to December to Dismember is remarkable and a study of how NOT to run a wrestling show.

Thumbs down about as far as possible.