Heroes of Wrestling
October 10th 1999
What’s worse than getting anthrax in the mail? How about receiving this show? Seriously, if I mysteriously die any time within the next month, regardless of what you hear on the news, it was a suicide as a result of watching this show. I hate sunshine, babies, and song birds. Life is dead to me now.
Are you ready for an explosive night of wrestling? Our hosts are! Dutch Mantel and Randy Rosenbloom are on commentary. 2,000 unwitting fans are in attendance. They run down tonight’s card, and seem optimistic that they will be quality. The show is being held in some shit-hole casino in Mississippi.
The ring announcer says someone is getting their aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaass whipped tonight. I hate him already.
The Samoan Swat Team (with Paul Adams) vs. Marty Jannetty and “Fantastic” Tommy Rogers
The entrance music is horrible generic 80’s style fluff. Before the match, Adams cuts a promo putting Heroes of Wrestling over as his venue to announce himself to the wrestling world. That worked out well. He rambles on for a bit, I fell asleep and missed most of it.
Samu and Jannetty start the match off. Samu goes directly to stalling. This is going to be a long show. Jannetty plays to the crowd in an attempt for face heat, and gets some hillbilly support. They lock up and Samu shoves Jannetty off. They repeat the spot. More stalling and some obnoxious clapping by Jannetty. Way to suck the fans into this. They tie up again, and Samu corners Jannetty. Jannetty fires his way out of the corner and cleans house on Samu. Rogers runs into the ring and somehow this constitutes as a tag. Both Samoans take a walk. After another stalling session, Jannetty remains the legal man after all. He takes this opportunity to stall just a bit more. The lock up and Jannetty forces Samu to accidentally hit his own partner. Arm drag by Jannetty and a tag to Rogers. The Samoans make a tag. I’m not sure what to call the other Samoan, as he is being referred to as “Fatu” but doesn’t look like him. I’ll be a sport and call him Fatu just the same. Fatu wants a test of strength, and Rogers is dumb enough to fall for it. Rogers catches Fatu by the leg and kicks him inside the thigh. Rogers and Jannetty double team Fatu, as Jannetty tags in. Snapmare by Jannetty into the first sleeper of the night. Fatu fights out, but gets splashed to the mat for a cover attempt. Fatu kicks out and heads to ringside to stall, and Rosenbloom actually uses the phrase “working the crowd.” The bastard just broke kayfabe! Match restarts, but Samu kicks Jannetty in the back from the apron, allowing Fatu to take control. Samu tags in and hits a nice chop and an Irish whip with authority. Referee is distracted by Rogers, but turns around too early and sees Fatu hitting Jannetty with a chair. No disqualification though, but it is alright because Jannetty fights the Samoans off himself. Back in the ring, Jannetty narrowly dodges a splash and tags in Rogers. Rogers cleans house on both Samoans. The Samoans end up hitting a double head butt on Rogers, who shakes it off and hits a double DDT. Jannetty comes back with a double bull dog, and Rogers and Jannetty hit a double drop kick. Double your pleasure, double your fun. The chaos ends with Samu hitting a TKO on Rogers and pinning him at 9:58. Jannetty and Rogers gave it a respectable shot, but this match had a lot of problems going for it, with the stalling, poor referee work, and overall sloppiness, ¼*.
Winners: The Samoan Swat Team
A Heroes of Wrestling website is plugged, reminding fans to pick up their own Heroes of Wrestling t-shirt!
Sherri Martel is backstage, conducting business with George “The Animal” Steele. Steele undresses Martel a tad, which doesn’t do her any favors. This leads to an interview with Martel, where she puts him over as insane. Steele interrupts and drags Martel to the arena.
Greg “The Hammer” Valentine vs. George “The Animal” Steele (with Sherri Martel)
Sweet lord baby Jesus, Valentine looks like hell. Valentine takes the microphone and demands a standing ovation. He puts himself over for being the son of Johnny Valentine. He demands that Steele lay down and die (that’s awful harsh) and plans on walking out with Sherri. Steele looks like hell also, but what else is new.
Bell rings and Valentine immediately runs away to ringside. He “stalks” Sherri, who flees into the ring for protection from Steele. I can tell I am going to love this match just from this beginning. Valentine returns and they finally lock up. Steele latches to Valentine’s arm, and breaks. Steele is hungry and wants to munch on some turnbuckles. More stalling, and apparently Valentine’s arm hurts. Are they even going to wrestle? Steele doesn’t even look like he’s any shape to do anything remotely physical. Valentine finally shows some fire and floors Steele to work on the knee. Sherri then turns on Steele, choking him on the ropes. And they seemed so happy together. Valentine does some choking of his own and hits some elbow shots. Steele then insults me by removing his shirt, and seems unaware that Sherri has been attacking him. Steele has some sort of weapon and hits Valentine in the neck. He tosses whatever it was to Sherri, who hides it in her monstrous cleavage. Valentine gets some more shots in, but Steele regains control. Sherri hands the mystery weapon to Valentine. He drives it into Steele’s throat. The referee is clueless, and Valentine hides the weapon in his tights by the ass. I’m not kidding. The object falls out, and Sherri takes it. Steele gets some shots in. The object is back in Valentine’s possession, but Steele snatches it. Valentine escapes to ringside. Sherri then hits Steele with a chair while the ref was watching Valentine. Valentine rushes into a cover and wins the match at 6:32. Dreadful match, just barely earns a DUD.
Winner: Greg Valentine
After the match, Steele throws Sherri over the ropes. He chases both Sherri and Valentine out of the arena. Steele throws some chairs into the ring, though I can’t imagine what he intends to do with them. Steele does the only thing he can do in times like these and rips apart a turnbuckle. Valentine foolishly comes back and gets a cheap shot in before being chased out again. This is all very depressing.
Backstage, Julio Fantastico is ready for an inaudible interview. The sound kicks in and Julio is trying really hard to be a cocky upstart ass. Whatever happened to Julio Dinero anyway? After the angle with CM Punk and Raven fell to shit in TNA, he just sort of fell off the face of the planet.
Too Cold Scorpio vs. Julio Fantastico
Hey, this match has the potential to not suck. I’ll just cross my fingers and pray. Captain Lou Albano makes his way to the commentator’s booth for the match. Julio and Scorpio lock up and break in the corner. They lock up again and actually perform a bit of chain wrestling. They exchange hammerlocks. Arm drag by Julio and a drop kick, but Scorpio catches him in an armbar. Julio escapes into the ropes, and Scorpio bounces around due to his own momentum. The fun ends with an armlock by Scorpio. Julio reverses and the match restarts. They tie up and Julio hits a shoulder block. Another tie up leads to a Scorpio headlock. Shoulder block by Scorpio, soon followed by a drop kick. Scorpio dumps Julio to ringside with a spinning heel kick. Scorpio slingshots himself over the ropes onto Julio, hitting the steel barricade in the process. I have to admire Scorpio for busting ass on a show like this. Scorpio directs Julio back to the ring for some chops. Julio flips Scorpio onto the apron and hits him to the floor. Julio awkwardly flips himself over the ropes onto Scorpio and skins the cat back into the ring. Julio slingshots himself over the ropes onto Scorpio. That entire spot just looked ugly. Scorpio then back body drops Julio over the barricade onto the concrete floor. They disappear into the crowd for a few seconds until Scorpio directs Julio back to the ring. Julio botches a blind low blow, which takes talent. Weird suplex by Julio into a cover. Nice elbow drop by Julio for another cover. Drop kick by Julio and a clothesline to the floor. They chase each other around for a bit, sliding in and out of the ring, and finally exchange shots by the apron. Scorpio slingshots himself onto Julio for a cover attempt. Scoop slam by Scorpio, who signals some high risk moves. Scorpio goes up top, but Julio shoves the referee into the ropes. Julio hits a face buster on Scorpio off the turnbuckle, but Scorpio kicks out. “Hey, this turned out to be pretty good” says the clueless Rosenbloom. Scorpio hits another scoop slam and hits a somersault leg drop and just to show off hits a corkscrew leg drop to pin Julio at 9:35. Not a bad little performance by Scorpio, but Julio couldn’t wrestle a match without botching half his spots if his life depended on it, *.
Winner: Too Cold Scorpio
Captain Lou Albano is announced to be the new commissioner of Heroes of Wrestling, something he appears to be proud of. Albano seems to be under the impression that there will be more pay-per-views like this. They must have thought there was a demand for a wrestling amongst botched brain surgery patients or something.
Backstage, King Kong Bundy lumbers his way into an interview. He’s going to tell us something. Bundy rambles on about how much peril Yokozuna is in tonight.
Nikolai Volkoff and Iron Sheik vs. Luke and Butch
Sheik looks like a pot bellied pig, and about as threatening. Sheik can barely get into the ring, and we expect him to wrestle? Volkoff doesn’t look too bad, just really old, but I’ll reserve judgment until he takes his shirt off. Volkoff sings for us! This show has just been redeemed! I’m just kidding, nothing can save this. Volkoff stops on his own, he didn’t need the Wackers to stop him. Sheik takes the microphone and rants about USA stuff. Sheik does a little trick with some weights, supposedly putting himself over in the process. Luke and Butch finally come out so we can have a match. If these guys sucked when they were in their prime, what can I expect from them in 1999?
The heels jump the Wackers to kick the match off. Volkoff actually does look to be in decent shape, good for him. I’m not even going to try and tell the Wackers apart, but one of them is bitten by Volkoff. Luke and Butch hit a double clothesline on Volkoff, and keep Sheik from getting involved. They dance around a bit, which never fails to be really fucking annoying. Sheik and Volkoff hang out at ringside, disgusted by how bad their match is going. Sheik threatens to leave if he keeps hearing “USA” chants. You’ll never believe it, but the fans keep it up. They are almost counted out, but suck in their pride and return to face the New Zealand sheep fornicators. Volkoff takes control with his old man offense. Volkoff and Sheik double team with some of the weakest stomps ever. Butch tries to make the save, but the referee taps him out of it. Meanwhile, Luke has one of the worst headlocks ever applied by Volkoff. Sheik tags in and if he eats one more piece of cake, his stomach will explode. Fans are chanting “Russia sucks” just to remind us that this is Mississippi. Sheik doesn’t really do anything and tags Volkoff back in. Irish whip with authority by Volkoff. Volkoff goes for a power slam but almost drops him. He falls over with the least impactful slam in wrestling history. Seriously, the finger poke of doom probably hurt more. Sheik tags in and delivers the camel clutch, only crappier. Volkoff misses a leg drop, and lands awkwardly. Butch tags in and “cleans house” on the heels. He shoves their heads together, but they even manage to botch that. Double Irish whip by the Wackers doesn’t work either. Volkoff has another mysterious former object and accidentally hits Sheik with it, and is covered by Butch for the win at around the nine minute mark. Easily one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen, as I think these four men managed to botch EVERYTHING! -***1/2. This would have been a prime contender for worst match of the year, but I have a sinking feeling this won’t even be the worst match of the show.
Winners: Luke and Butch
We see footage of Tully Blanchard arriving by limousine. Before he can even get to his luggage, Stan Lane jumps him. That Lane is a real vicious bad guy, eh? Now that just was not called for!
We see footage of Blanchard cutting a promo talking about how he came here to have fun and have a “good” match with Lane. He’s basically unhappy that he was blindsided by Lane, and doesn’t feel that a low profile guy like him deserves this. He claims that Stan Lane only became a champion because he was Bobby Eaton’s partner. Blanchard puts himself over as being a former Horse Man. Blanchard gets angry and rants. This interview is far more entertaining than anything previous to it on this dreck.
Tully Blanchard vs. “Sweet” Stan Lane
Lane takes the microphone before the match and cuts a dick-ish heel promo. Lane was not satisfied with the introduction he got, so he does his own intro, followed by insults towards Blanchard. Blanchard charges into the ring and chases Lane out. Great, I was in the mood for more stalling. Blanchard chases Lane around the ring and back into it only to allow Lane to get the advantage with an elbow drop. Blanchard fights back with some kicks, a hip toss, and a drop kick. They brawl at ringside. Lane hits an atomic drop, and Blanchard falls into the ring post. Lane clubs Blanchard on the apron. Swinging neckbreaker by Lane, into a near fall. About three fans are chanting “Horsemen suck” proving their mark suckitude. Lane keeps control and body slams Blanchard onto the ropes. Lane drops a leg on Blanchard’s back. The announcers are under the impression that the women in the crowd are attracted to Lane, which almost makes me spit my drink onto the monitor. Blanchard tries to mount a comeback, pulling Lane by the tights through the ropes. Irish whip by Blanchard sends Lane into the steel barricade. Blanchard applies a figure four on Lane on the outside. Lane escapes back into the ring but gets caught in a sleeper. Lane escapes and signals the power bomb. Blanchard counters into a back drop. Back suplex by Lane into a near fall. But the bell rings, suggesting Lane won. The referee waves it off, the match continues. I can’t tell if that was a mistake or not, but it sucks either way. Blanchard hits a suplex, sending Lane to the floor to tease walking away. I guess the match is over at about seven minutes. The announcers think the crowd is getting their money’s worth tonight, which I have trouble believing was not sarcasm. Oh, the match was boring too, ½*.
Winner by count-out: Tully Blanchard
Backstage, we have another interview with no sound to start off. Jim Neidhart doesn’t want to have to go to a zoo tonight and rants about Jake Robert’s snake. King Kong Bundy adds some insightful commentary and they storm off. The interviewer must have found something funny with Bundy, because he had trouble maintaining his composure at the end.
One Man Gang vs. Abdullah the Butcher (with Honest John)
OMG throws some chairs into the ring during his entrance. I guess this is the “hardcore” special attraction of the night. We cut to an insane OMG interview, who screams about not showing mercy or something, I fell asleep and missed part of it. Abby comes out, and his manager is almost as fat as he is, which is saying something.
OMG jumps Abby as he is getting his fat ass into the ring, calling for the bell. Abby pushes him off, but OMG already has a chain in hand and is striking Abby with it. OMG wraps the chain around Abby’s face and pulls on it before going back to striking. Abby is already busted open, that didn’t take long. OMG chokes some more and pulls Abby to ringside. Chair shot by OMG. OMG lightly pushes Abby’s head into the ring post. Abby tries to get back into the ring, and since he moves so slowly he makes a perfect target for some kicks to the head. OMG takes the chain again and continues the assault. OMG chokes with a chair. The announcers think OMG is risking a disqualification. REALLY? In a hardcore match? Damn, this show sucks. OMG continues to focus on Abby’s bloody forehead. Abby finally blocks a shot and jabs the throat. Abby takes the fork and proceeds to carve OMG’s head. The referee puts an end to it. I hate this show. Abby continues to carve with the fork despite the referee’s protesting and counting. OMG is bleeding heavily now, which is far more gruesome than what I was expecting on this show. Abby hits some weak chair shots. Abby hits another fork shot and tosses it to a lucky fan in the crowd. Abby drops an elbow. OMG stumbles to ringside and bleeds on some front row fans. They brawl at ringside. Amazingly, the referee calls for the bell, I assume disqualifying both guys at 7:30. This show just sunk to a new level of suck, DUD.
No contest.
Abby and OMG continue their brawl, with such notable incidents such as Abby thrusting OMG’s bloody head into a fans shirt. These people sure did get their money’s worth tonight.
Backstage, Jimmy Snuka and Captain Lou Albano are hanging out. Albano is still proud to be the commissioner, I guess he missed the last few matches. Snuka is facing Cowboy Bob Orton tonight, who is a liar, according to Albano. Snuka just stands there looking frail.
We get a response from Bob Orton, father of Randy. Orton denies his reputation as a cheater, and threatens to slap Albano if he gets involved. Pretty typical stuff here.
“Superfly” Jimmy Snuka (with Captain Lou Albano) vs. “Cowboy” Bob Orton
The bell rings and they actually tease wrestling instead of stalling. They tie up and Snuka corners Orton. Chops and knee thrusts by Snuka. Orton whips Snuka into the opposite corner, but Snuka bounces off into a crossbody. Orton fails at clotheslining Snuka over the ropes. Orton hits an elbow shot on Snuka, knocking him off the apron. Orton pulls Snuka back up the apron for a suplex, hitting it. This has been surprisingly competent thus far. Power slam by Orton. Falling splash by Orton for a near fall. “Superfly” chants from the crowd, which Orton mocks by orchestrating his fingers, which is actually pretty amusing. Orton slams Snuka again for another near fall. Orton works the arm, taking the time to talk smack to Albano. Snuka looks to the crowd for inspiration to fight out of the rest hold. It doesn’t work, and the rest hold continues far longer than any rest hold spot should. I see where Randy gets his tricks. “Bob, you suck” chants from the crowd. You know, the fans just had to make sure the heel knew he was the one who sucked. Otherwise, one might be confused, I don’t know, I’m just rambling because this rest hold has killed the match. Orton breaks the hold and stomps on the back of Snuka’s head. Orton goes back to the rest hold. The crowd is now chanting “Bob is a faggot.” That’s classy. Orton breaks the hold to address the fans, giving Snuka a chance to recover. Irish whip by Orton is countered by a head butt from Snuka. Snuka “snukes up” and fires away with strikes and sends Orton charging into the turnbuckle. Orton lands on top and suffers a kick to the gut. Snuka hits a rather nice chop, but Orton fights back and pushes Snuka down for a cover. Snuka pops out at the last second. That would have been anticlimactic. Snuka gets up first and goes high risk, but Orton cuts him off. Orton climbs up and attempts a superplex, but Albano gets involved by holding Snuka’s ankle, causing Orton to fall back by himself. HE CHEATED WHEN HE SAID HE WOULDN’T! Orton goes after Lou, and unwittingly walks into the crossbody by Snuka, who gets the cover and the win at 11:46. This was a lot more enjoyable than most of this show, but the heat segment dragged this down quite a bit, ¾*.
Winner: Jimmy Snuka
Orton argues with the referee after the match, as the crowd resumes the “Bob’s a faggot” chant. Those idiot fans deserve this shitty show if that’s all they’ve got.
Backstage, a shaky looking Jake Roberts is ready for an interview. Roberts says that Neidhart doesn’t want to play cards with him because he’ll chant. Roberts lists all the games he cheats at, so don’t gamble with him. Roberts doesn’t accept losing, which apparently doesn’t apply to his dignity. Roberts then goes on a drunken rant about Damien and his DDT.
Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
The crowd is super happy to see Roberts, I almost feel sorry for them. Jake leaves Damien in the ring and then leaves the arena for some reason. He comes back shirtless and jogging. The announcers credit this to Jake’s psychological strategy, but I’d put money on him having to vomit a little. Jake approaches a female fan and drapes her hands over his saggy man boobs. That must have been thrilling for her.
Jake gets to the ring and the match finally begins. Jake stalls to play to “We want the snake” chants. These fans are insufferable. Neidhart leaves the ring and pouts at ringside. This match is not endearing to my good side thus far. Stalling is fine and all, but when 90% of the matches utilize it, then it becomes a problem. They finally tie up in the ring, with Roberts hitting an ugly arm drag. They tie up again, with Neidhart cornering Roberts. They have a clean break, but Roberts realizes he was standing on Damien, which seems to be upsetting him. They tie up again, and Neidhart slugs Roberts into a corner. Neidhart works the arm, but Roberts eventually reverses into a hammerlock. Roberts goes for the DDT, but Neidhart escapes. Meanwhile, Damien is sticking his head out of the bag, which is far more interesting than the match itself. Jake brings Damien out and pretends that Damien is his penis as the announcer states “look at the size of that thing!” This is truly horrible. Neidhart flees the ring, as Roberts proceeds to lick Damien. Since they were almost out of time, King Kong Bundy comes out early. He talks to Neidhart, and apparently has joined the match.
The distraction allows Neidhart to jump Roberts and trap him in a headlock. Roberts fights to his feet, but Neidhart keeps the hold. Roberts shoulder thrusts Neidhart in the corner and mounts a comeback. Roberts goes for the DDT, but hits a clothesline instead. Bundy is on the apron now, talking smack. Roberts attacks Bundy, allowing Neidhart to make the attack and go back to the headlock. Bundy seems to be officially in the match now, as he stomps away on Roberts. This brings out Yokozuna, who doesn’t look like he’s in any shape to walk, let alone wrestle. Sadly, Yokozuna would pass away only about a year later. Everything about this match is depressing to me. This is apparently a tag team match now, as Yokozuna attacks Bundy, and gets jumped by Neidhart as a result. The announcer makes the tag match format official. Hurray for the fans. Yokozuna fights off Neidhart and Bundy as Roberts looks about ready to pass out at ringside. Some bald guy comes out and gives advice to Bundy and Neidhart. The match seems to restart, as Neidhart drags a dazed Roberts to the apron to bite him. Meanwhile, Yokozuna and Bundy are lumbering around, doing pretty much nothing. Neidhart rams some chairs on Roberts, with no disqualifications. The rules really couldn’t be any more vague, could they? Bundy joins the fray with a chair shot of his own. Roberts botches being thrown back into the ring, and is the target of some choking from Neidhart. Even the anonymous bald guy joins the choking fest, which the referee doesn’t seem to mind. The “former Yokozuna” stands by on the apron watching Bundy and Neidhart double team Roberts, who is now the drunken face in peril. Roberts finally hits some shoulder thrusts without even standing up, and gets the tag to Yokozuna. Yokozuna fires away on Neidhart, and is way too large for comfort. While this was going on, Bundy randomly splashes and pins Roberts, who wasn’t even the legal man at 16:49. I’d complain about the finish, excep that it was probably the least of the problems with his match. Wow… just wow. Every aspect of this match is horrible. From the vague rule definitions, to the disturbing behavior from Roberts, and the shit-ass wrestling, this sucks by every definition of the term. -*****, and I mean that sincerely.
Winners (though let's face it, this match had no winners): King Kong Bundy and Jim Neidhart
Afterwards, Yokozuna beats up the anonymous bald guy, who the announcers have dubbed “Little Bundy.” Roberts dumps Damien on Little Bundy, and the camera fades to black.
Final Thoughts: You know, I have to give credit where credit is due and say that while this show was awful, heading into this I was expecting to be dishing out way more negative star ratings than I ended up. But when your match of the night tops out at a whopping one star, you know you’re in trouble. Believe the hype, Heroes of Wrestling is every bit as terrible and mind numbing as you would expect. The main event is officially the worst match I have ever seen in any promotion ever. It is disgusting and terrible in every way that Bret vs. Owen was wonderful and glorious. The worst part about Heroes of Wrestling is that it is terrible in a depressing fashion, not even in the “so bad it’s funny” category. Even Randy "The Ram" wouldn't have wanted anything to do with this event.
So the moral of the story is, if you ever open up your mail and see that someone has sent you Heroes of Wrestling, don’t watch it. Grab a shovel and bury it as soon as possible and just hope that a poltergeist doesn’t settle in.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Retro Review: December to Dismember
ECW December to Dismember
December 3rd 2006
I was going to pass this one up, but seeing as it was free on Youtube, I figured I could stomach this. I sure do feel sorry for the fans in attendance.
I’m going to steal Scott Keith's “Hot poker up the ass” system for this show, with the proud recipient being Vince McMahon, for not letting Heyman control this brand.
Our hosts for the evening are Joey Styles and Tazz. Styles slips that a new champion will be crowned in the first ever “extreme” elimination chamber match. The Spanish announcers made the trip to this event too! This is truly the big time!
Oh, and I think 15 hot pokers are in order for making the theme song to this show the same song that opens every episode of ECW. They couldn't be bothered to pay for royalties other than "Bodies" by Drowning Pool.
MNM vs. The Hardy Boyz
That’s right, the show is being kicked off with Raw and Smackdown stars. I’d say one fiery poker up the ass for that fact alone. At least this match stands a chance of being good. Oh, this is also the first of two previously announced matches for the event, so another four hot pokers up Vince’s ass for that genius strategy.
The bell rings, and Tazz is checking out Melina. After a few seconds Mercury ties up with Matt. Matt drags Mercury into a side headlock, Mercury tries to pick up the pace, but Matt gets the hold back. It breaks and Matt reverses a hip toss and they go into a stalemate. Jeff and Nitro enter the ring, threatening a brawl, but the referee keeps control. The match restarts, and Mercury wrenches the arm of Matt Hardy. Matt reverses and shoves him into the turnbuckle. Tag is made to Jeff, who continues to work on Mercury’s arm. Matt tags in goes for the hammerlock. Mercury tags in Nitro, who runs into a hip toss. Matt works Nitro’s arm over too, and tags in Jeff, who drop kicks his way into Nitro and gets a near fall. Matt tags in and the Hardys double team Nitro and an invading Mercury. Jeff tags in, but Nitro counters a jaw breaker. Nitro tags in Mercury for a double team, and a near fall. Nitro tags in and hits a neck breaker. Nitro has been earning some big heat from the crowd all night. Matt comes back and quickens the pace. Nitro gets a shot and climbs the turnbuckle, but Matt catches him and hits a cool sit-out power bomb. Melina grabs Matt’s leg to stop his momentum, so Matt chases after her, running into a trap by Mercury.
Thanks to the trap, MNM is in clear control of Matt, hitting a double team gut buster. MNM makes frequent tags, and double team Matt at every opportunity. Matt refuses to stay down for near falls. This match has become so formulaic and basic, I don’t even want to do play by play for it anymore. Nitro takes a moment to knock Jeff off the apron, giving him and Mercury time for some double teams. Jeff tries to enter, but that is apparently not allowed by Mr. Referee. The match is so boring now that Tazz is reminiscing about his Smackdown days. Seriously. Back in the match, Matt reverses a double suplex into a double neck breaker. Matt nearly makes the tag, but MNM knocks Jeff down again. MNM copy the Hardy’s poetry in motion, while Melina screams in celebration. Mercury tries to steal the twist of fate, but Matt shoves him into Nitro, who was on the turnbuckle. Jeff is finally tagged in and cleans house. Jeff gets a close fall on Mercury, but Nitro ruins it. MNM tries to double team, but Matt clotheslines Mercury to the floor and springboards onto him. This sparks an “ECW” chant. Nitro then leaps over the ropes onto both of them. Jeff finishes the set with a crossbody off the turnbuckle onto MNM. The crowd is desperate for some fun and give this a “holy shit” chant.
Back in the ring, the Hardys hit the poetry in motion, twist of fate, but miss on Jeff’s Swanton bomb. Nitro springboards into a missile drop kick onto Jeff, as Matt and Mercury are both back on the floor. Nitro goes to work on Jeff’s lower back, capitalizing on the missed Swanton bomb. Mercury tags in and they double slingshot Jeff into the turnbuckle. Jeff is the new face in peril and suffers the inevitable surfboard stretch from Mercury. Jeff fights out, so MNM continue the tag and double team strategy. The crowd entertains themselves with a “she’s a crack whore” chant directed towards Melina. Jeff is planted onto the floor, and Melina gets some cheap shots in. MNM goes back to the frequent tags, and this match is dead. On the plus side, MNM’s offense looks good. Matt runs in and interrupts a cover attempt. Jeff tries to fight back with a sunset flip, but Nitro made a blind tag. Mercury goes for another rest hold. I guess they are stalling for time while the writers are out back throwing darts at names to decide what the rest of the card looks like.
Nitro continues the attack on Jeff while Mercury pulls Matt off the apron. MNM tries to double sling shot Jeff into the turnbuckle again, which of course means that Jeff transitions this into the whisper of the wind. Matt is FINALLY tagged in and cleans house. Matt hits the side effect on both members of MNM and nearly pins Nitro. Matt hits the off the ropes leg drop, but Nitro kicks out! Jeff tags in and goes for a powerbomb off the ropes, but Mercury stops them and inventively flips Jeff onto the mat. I’m adding a ½* for that spot alone. Matt and Jeff set Mercury and Nitro up on opposite turnbuckles for superplexes. Jeff gets a cover, but Melina is on the apron for a distraction. Jeff angrily confronts her, and Nitro accidentally drop kicks Melina off the apron. Jeff gets a very close roll-up. MNM hit the snap shot on Jeff, and Matt just barely breaks up the following cover attempt. MNM plant Jeff on the turnbuckles and try to hit a super snap shot! Matt makes the save and hits a double neck breaker off the top! Jeff hits a Swanton on both members of MNM and finally gets the pinfall victory at 22:23! This match had some very inventive spots, but also some really dead and boring spots. I would say **1/2, but I have to factor in that ½* I promised, so **3/4. No hot pokers necessary here.
Winners: The Hardy Boyz
Backstage, Rob Van Dam cuts a promo putting over the extreme elimination chamber match. RVD knows he might not walk out of the match, but the risks are worth the prize: the ECW title.
Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney
Vince gets five hot pokers for booking Mahoney in a non extreme rules match on pay-per-view. Before the match, Striker takes the microphone and puts himself over to some surprisingly potent heat from the crowd. Striker announces that his opponent is Mahoney, which the crowd is pleased to hear. Striker then puts over the extreme elimination chamber match too. Striker feels like he owes it to the crowd to restore order in a violent society. Striker teases making the match extreme rules, but swerves it into being fought under extreme enforcement of the rules. That’s right, give the crowd something else to be angry about. No hot pokers, since this was one of the better Striker promos I have heard.
Striker names his own rules for the match, including “no profanity.” Striker also has his own face on the back of his tights. That is extreme, man. Tazz and Styles have some good times making fun of this. Mahoney goes for Striker’s leg, but Striker gets a rope break. They tie up and Mahoney takes control after some running around. Mahoney gets an arm toss and locks his legs around Striker. Striker breaks free and hides in the ropes. They tease a tie up again, but Striker aggressively strikes Mahoney instead. Striker dodges a rampaging Mahoney, causing him to plummet shoulder first into the turnbuckle. Striker goes to work on the arm. A “Striker sucks” chant breaks out, while the arm attacks continue. Mahoney rolls Striker into a cover attempt, but Striker kicks out and goes back on the arm attack. The crowd threatens to turn on this match if things don’t pick up soon. Mahoney tries to mount a come back with some punches, and a side walk slam. Mahoney gets a near fall and goes high risk. Striker shakes the ropes, and Mahoney plummets to the mat. Striker rolls into an armbar. Mahoney almost taps, but gets into the ropes. Mahoney mounts another come back with his specialty punches and back body drop. The crowd is polite enough to chant around with the punches. Mahoney gets a sit-down power bomb for the victory at 7:22 after Striker teased a comeback! This match felt like a glorified Heat match, but Striker showed some good stuff with his vicious arm attacks, *1/4.
Winner: Balls Mahoney
Backstage, CM Punk is getting pumped up for the elimination chamber. He doesn’t say anything, just throwing punches. Three hot pokers for not playing to Punk’s strengths.
Elsewhere, Sabu has been found pummeled. Paul Heyman takes him out of the main event. 20 hot pokers for waiting until after the show started before removing Sabu from the match, and another 20 hot pokers for replacing him with Hardcore Holly. The crowd chants “bullshit” and I couldn’t agree more.
Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke vs. The FBI (with Trinity)
Terkay was released almost immediately after this show. Burke takes the microphone before the match and puts himself over. Like a wild animal in heat, they will leave their mark on ECW. Two hot pokers for that stupid comment. The FBI make their entrance, and Tazz is drooling over Trinity now.
Burke starts with Little Guido and they do a little chain wrestling. Little Guido steals Burke’s obnoxious hat and puts it on himself. Now that’s entertainment! Mamaluke tags in and goes for the side headlock. This transitions into some arm wrenching, and a tag to Guido. The FBI double teams Burke and Guido tries a cover. Burke manages to fight his way to Terkay and makes the tag. The FBI are more or less dead now, as Terkay is a manbearpig. Terkay methodically slugs away on Mamaluke, but misses a splash into the corner. Guido tags in and goes for a crossbody, but Terkay catches him. While holding Guido, he kicks Mamaluke with a big boot, and throws Guido at him over the ropes. This earns a “you still suck” chant. The tag is made to Burke, who gets an upper cut and then the reverse chin lock on Guido. Guido tries to fight back, and gets sent flying into Terkay’s corner. Guido quickly strikes at both men, but Terkay knocks him down. The crowd chants “FBI” as Guido suffers some double team shots. Burke hits a nice clothesline and a legsweep. Mamaluke interrupts a cover, but Burke goes for the headlock. Tag is made to Mamaluke, who hits a couple of drop kicks and a flying forearm. Terkay enters, and gets drop kicked by both FBI members into the knees. Burke suffers a double flap jack, and Mamaluke goes for the cover. Burke barely kicked out. Terkay pulls Guido out of the ring, meanwhile Burke drops Mamaluke into Terkay’s elbow and hits “The Elijah Express” for the win at 6:41. This was actually decent, as Burke and the FBI looked promising. Terkay was inoffensive, but this felt like another glorified Heat match, *1/2. Five hot pokers for the lack of extreme rules.
Winners: Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke
After the match, Terkay hits a muscle buster on Mamaluke as one fan chants “TNA.”
Backstage, Sabu is being loaded into an ambulance. CM Punk and Rob Van Dam watch in concern.
Daivari (with The Great Khali) vs. Tommy Dreamer
Daivari continues the trend of the evening of having the heel cut a prematch promo. Daivari is speaking Arabic, which still makes more sense than Khali’s English. Five hot pokers simply for Khali’s mere presence. Dreamer makes his entrance, and he looks legitimately grumpy. I can’t say I blame him.
The fans are chanting “extreme rules” and “ECW” but they are in for another disappointment. 10 hot pokers for continuing to upset this crowd. They tie up, and Daivari immediately takes control. Dreamer reverses and Irish whip, so Daivari escapes to ringside. Daivari sneaks back in and aggressively assaults Dreamer. Dreamer hits an arm drag, sending Daivari to ringside for another breather. Daivari charges, but Dreamer drop toe holds him to the mat. Daivari rakes the eyes and hits a drop kick. Dreamer falls to ringside and eats a baseball slide. Dreamer reverses an Irish whip and sends Daivari into the barricade. Khali helps Daivari up, so this thrilling bout can continue. Back in the ring, Dreamer hits a suplex and runs into the ropes, but Khali pulls the ropes, causing Dreamer to crash to the floor. The referee kicks Khali out of the arena. The match restarts with Daivari hitting some basic offense. The crowd is chanting “we want hardcore.” I can’t help but think the Vince interpreted that chant as the crowd wanting Bob Holly.
Daivari has a headlock on Dreamer, because this match really needed a rest hold. Dreamer fights out, but that crafty Daivari continues with the generic offense and another rest hold. The crowd is chanting “fuck him up, Dreamer.” Daivari gets a sleeper in and the crowd is absolutely shitting on this now. They were patient up until now, I give them credit for that. 30 hot pokers just for the hell of it. Dreamer drops Daivari back to the mat, and both men are down. They trade shots while standing up, with Dreamer winning the exchange. Dreamer hits a back body drop and a scoop slam. Dreamer hits an inverted DDT and gets a close fall. Dreamer goes for the Dreamer Driver, but Daivari goes for the eyes and escapes. Daivari climbs up top, but Dreamer follows, only to get knocked down. Daivari misses a flying cross body. Dreamer places Daivari in the tree of woe and the crowd wakes up. Dreamer hits a drop kick to the head. Daivari almost immediately comes back with a roll up and pulls on the tights for the victory at 7:23! The crowd did not like that one single bit. 50 hot pokers for continuing to piss off an already angry crowd and DUD.
Winner: Daivari
After the match, Khali reemerges and hits the double Chokeslam on Dreamer right onto the stage. Something the WWE does not seem to realize is that if they wanted the new ECW to work, they needed to treat the ECW originals like stars, even if they weren’t in the larger scaled of the WWE. Treating Dreamer like a jobber only pisses off the old ECW fans and makes the new fans wonder why Dreamer was such a big deal in the first place. 50 more hot pokers for using Dreamer to put over Daivari and Khali, both of which would be shipped to the other brands soon after.
We are treated to some hype for See No Evil. 50 hot pokers for using the brand that is supposed to be rebellious against all things WWE to promote a WWE movie.
Backstage, Paul Heyman is wandering around. He finds Hardcore Holly and officially puts him into the main event as an attempt to do “what is best for ECW.” 15 hot pokers for making Heyman say such a crock of shit. The crowd is pissed off that Holly is in the main event.
Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly vs. Kevin Thorn and Ariel
Kelly takes the microphone before the match and wishes CM Punk good luck in the extreme elimination chamber. Knox is not pleased with this, and a great “CM Punk” chant breaks out. Thorn and Ariel have an awesome entrance, thought I’d mention that. I actually enjoy the entire vampirism gimmick, I just wish that they’d given Thorn a more bad-ass name. Imagine if in 1998, the Brood had consisted of David Fang, Adam Edge, and Christian Cage? Well, the last part kind of stuck, but sue me.
Knox and Thorn kick the match off, while Tazz and Styles speculate about “bite clubs.” They tie up and shove each other off. Knox misses a clothesline and Thorn fires away with some shots. Thorn whips Knox into an elbow and stomps away at the back. Knox pulls Thorn by the hair and hits a great looking lariat clothesline. Knox angrily punches away at Thorn. This doesn’t last, as Thorn comes back with a clothesline. The crowd is dead, but at least they aren’t openly booing. Thorn beats Knox into the corner and is pulled off by the ref. This seemingly turned Ariel on. Knox comes back with a snapmare, but is unable to keep long term control. He does hit a big boot and gets a near fall. Knox goes for a sleeper, because we haven’t seen enough of those tonight. 15 hot pokers just for the boring nature of these matches. Thorn pushes Knox into his corner while trapped in the head lock and tags in Ariel. Knox reluctantly tags in Kelly. Ariel dominates Kelly right away. Kelly is totally inexperienced, so they are limited in what they can do. Ariel tries to cover by stomping, punching, and choking. Kelly tries to make the tag to Knox, but Ariel keeps up the attack. Kelly kicks Ariel off of her, but Knox decides he’d rather not make the tag and walks off. Ariel finishes Kelly with a legsweep for the victory at 7:43. This was horrible, but at least something significant happened, ¼*. Unfortunately, this match didn’t do any favors for any of the participants.
Winners: Kevin Thorn and Ariel
After the match, Ariel keeps attacking Kelly, but The Sandman makes an unscheduled appearance. 25 hot pokers for not booking Sandman in a match. The crowd is happy to see Sandman, who has a kendo stick in hand. Sandman unleashes his fury on Thorn, and the crowd comes alive at the sight of some actual violence!
Backstage, Michael Cole is pimping Smackdown’s pay-per-view, Armageddon. 10 hot pokers for this blatant shilling, and for holding so many pay-per-views in such a short amount of time. And to think, the WWE actually are confused as to why the buyrates to all of those late 2006 shows were so pathetic.
Backstage, some random diva is standing by with Bobby Lashley. They take a look back at Lashley’s match against the Big Show from a couple weeks ago. The match ended when Heyman orchestrated a beat down on Lashley, thanks to Test and Show. 15 hot pokers for giving Lashley mic time. Lashley doesn’t give a damn what Heyman throws at him, because nothing can stop him. He is one man with one mission, and that’s to be the ECW World Champion.
That’s right, it is time for the main event after only about an hour and a half. 30 hot pokers for holding such a short pay-per-view, this was barely longer than one of those old TNA weekly shows.
ECW World Championship:
Extreme Elimination Chamber
Big Show © vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Bobby Lashley vs. CM Punk vs. Test
Rob Van Dam and Hardcore Holly are the first two in the match. RVD takes control with his trademark offense, until running into a clothesline. Holly tries to pin RVD in the early going. Holly kicks away, but RVD fires back with some punches. The action spills over the ropes into the steel area. RVD leaps off the ropes but misses Holly. RVD bounces off the cage but misses Holly again, landing in the ropes. Holly rams RVD head first into the cage, and the crowd is actually enjoying this. Holly slams RVD onto the steel and climbs the turnbuckle. RVD gets a boot to the face of an incoming Holly, in a seriously contrived spot. RVD then hits a rolling thunder over the ropes onto Holly on the steel. RVD should really participate in more of these matches. Holly reverses a suplex and drops RVD back into the ring. Holly goes for a cover, but RVD is still alive. Holly soon hits a big drop kick and goes for another cover.
The first man out of the chamber is CM Punk, who immediately throws a chair at Holly and springboards off the ropes into RVD. Punk tosses the chair at RVD, who catches it and throws it right back at him. RVD then sloppily monkey flips Punk onto the chair. Punk then dodges some kicks from RVD and leg drops him onto the chair. Punk is in control of RVD, hitting some elbow shots and driving his head into a chair positioned in the ropes. Punk goes for a head scissors on Holly on the steel, but Holly catches him and swings him into the cage! Big “CM Punk” chant from the fans, as Holly dominates him. Holly plants Punk gut first on the ropes and kicks him in the head. Holly sets Punk up on the top rope and chops him. Holly hits a big superplex. RVD goes for the cover on Punk, who kicks out. That would have been really lame. Holly goes for a cover too, but Punk kicks out again. Punk reverses an Irish whip on Holly, and goes for a bull dog but gets kicked in the face by RVD. Test is the next man in the match.
Test has a weapon and goes straight to rubbing it in RVD’s face. Test then chokes the life out of Punk. The weapon appears to be a cane. Test goes back to Punk, who surprises him with a stunner. RVD is meanwhile battling Holly, but takes a moment to hit Test with a chair. RVD then drop kicks the chair right onto CM Punk’s face! RVD goes top rope and hits the five star frog splash and eliminates CM Punk at 12:22. 15 hot pokers up the ass for making Punk the first elimination. Test big boots Holly and almost pins him. Actually, it counted as an elimination, even though Holly appeared to kick out. So, Holly is eliminated at 12:40. That was pointless, let’s give another 10 hot pokers to Vince’s ass. RVD climbs to the top and hits a flying kick on Test. RVD goes for the five star frog splash again, this time on top of Big Show’s chamber. Show grabs RVD through the ceiling, allowing Test to climb up and hit RVD with a chair. Test drops RVD to the mat and places the chair on top of him. Test climbs to the top of Show’s chamber and hits a HUGE flying elbow! That was awesome! Test then eliminates Rob Van Dam at 13:58, which is awful booking, 25 hot pokers for that. It would have been more, if Test’s elbow drop had not been awesome. The crowd is pissed off, and rightfully so. They eliminated Punk and RVD only so that they wouldn’t get more crowd support than Lashley, and if that was the case than 50 hot pokers for Lashley being in this match in the first place.
Lashley joins the match, but Heyman’s cronies prevent the official from opening his chamber. Test taunts him from outside, so Lashley grabs the table in the chamber and uses it to break through the ceiling. Test climbs up to meet him, but gets kicked down. Lashley hits a flying clothesline off the turnbuckle. Lashley dominates Test, throwing him into the cage walls. The action spills back into the ring, where Test regains control, choking Lashley with his boot. Test takes a chair, but Lashley kicks it into his head. Lashley hits a series of clotheslines, as the crowd boos. Lashley connects with a snap suplex and dodges a chair shot. Lashley spears Test and eliminates him at 19:38. The crowd is not happy with how this match is turning out. There is still more than a minute before Big Show enters the ring, so he takes advice from a screaming Paul Heyman at ringside. Lashley prepares for Show by getting the table out of his chamber. The minute goes by really slowly, and Lashley throws a chair at Show’s chamber to try and keep things interesting.
Big Show finally enters the match, and is yielding a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. Show swings the bat, but Lashley blocks it with the chair. Show gets the bat stuck in the cage, allowing Lashley to get a chair shot in. Lashley rams Show’s head into the steel and poses to a great amount of jeers from the jaded fans. Lashley then whips Big Show into the bullet proof glass chamber, shattering it. Lashley violently pursues Show, who is bleeding now. Lashley is then tossed over the ropes into the ring. Show hits a clothesline and signals the Chokeslam. Lashley blocks the Chokeslam and hits a DDT. They trade shots until Show pushes Lashley into the corner. Lashley then runs into Show’s arms, but escapes a slam. Lashley hits a big spear for the win at 24:41 and becomes the ECW World Champion! This definitely gets a mixed reaction from the fans. I’m watching this with Spanish commentary on, so I’m sure I’m missing some awesome crowd chants, but oh well. 25 hot pokers for Lashley winning the ECW title about two weeks after joining the brand, an extra 30 hot pokers for eliminating RVD and Punk so quickly, and 50 pokers for making Big Show’s final pay-per-view match before retirement go down this way. Aside from the bad taste of the booking here, the match was pretty solid, had some great spots involving the chamber, and kept a good pace, **3/4.
Winner and new ECW World Champion: Bobby Lashley
Final Thoughts: Reviewing this show has given me a headache. This pay-per-view is a study in awfulness. It was like Vince and company wanted this show to fail in the worst way possible. From removing Sabu from the main event, to rubbing it in the fans faces that the midcard matches weren’t extreme rules, to eliminating RVD and Punk because they knew they would be favored over Lashley, to having the show just barely reach the two hour mark, I don’t even know how to begin to comprehend how anyone backstage at WWE thought this show was a good idea. If this wasn’t blatant sabotage, then Vince is really out of his mind.
What is even more amazing is that Vince thinks the tactic of only announcing two matches beforehand was a good idea and that it will be used for other brand pay-per-views in the future. I really hope the abysmal buyrate of 90,000 snapped him out of that mindset.
Finally, they had SIX MONTHS to build this show after One Night Stand. And what did they do with those six months? Did they develop meaningful feuds and push a strong midcard? No, they jobbed the ECW originals to guys who weren’t going to get over anyway, and had frequent guest stars from Raw and Smackdown to try and boost ratings. The few feuds they did have going (RVD vs. Show, Punk vs. Knox) were basically forgotten about. The devolution of ECW from One Night Stand to December to Dismember is remarkable and a study of how NOT to run a wrestling show.
Thumbs down about as far as possible.
December 3rd 2006
I was going to pass this one up, but seeing as it was free on Youtube, I figured I could stomach this. I sure do feel sorry for the fans in attendance.
I’m going to steal Scott Keith's “Hot poker up the ass” system for this show, with the proud recipient being Vince McMahon, for not letting Heyman control this brand.
Our hosts for the evening are Joey Styles and Tazz. Styles slips that a new champion will be crowned in the first ever “extreme” elimination chamber match. The Spanish announcers made the trip to this event too! This is truly the big time!
Oh, and I think 15 hot pokers are in order for making the theme song to this show the same song that opens every episode of ECW. They couldn't be bothered to pay for royalties other than "Bodies" by Drowning Pool.
MNM vs. The Hardy Boyz
That’s right, the show is being kicked off with Raw and Smackdown stars. I’d say one fiery poker up the ass for that fact alone. At least this match stands a chance of being good. Oh, this is also the first of two previously announced matches for the event, so another four hot pokers up Vince’s ass for that genius strategy.
The bell rings, and Tazz is checking out Melina. After a few seconds Mercury ties up with Matt. Matt drags Mercury into a side headlock, Mercury tries to pick up the pace, but Matt gets the hold back. It breaks and Matt reverses a hip toss and they go into a stalemate. Jeff and Nitro enter the ring, threatening a brawl, but the referee keeps control. The match restarts, and Mercury wrenches the arm of Matt Hardy. Matt reverses and shoves him into the turnbuckle. Tag is made to Jeff, who continues to work on Mercury’s arm. Matt tags in goes for the hammerlock. Mercury tags in Nitro, who runs into a hip toss. Matt works Nitro’s arm over too, and tags in Jeff, who drop kicks his way into Nitro and gets a near fall. Matt tags in and the Hardys double team Nitro and an invading Mercury. Jeff tags in, but Nitro counters a jaw breaker. Nitro tags in Mercury for a double team, and a near fall. Nitro tags in and hits a neck breaker. Nitro has been earning some big heat from the crowd all night. Matt comes back and quickens the pace. Nitro gets a shot and climbs the turnbuckle, but Matt catches him and hits a cool sit-out power bomb. Melina grabs Matt’s leg to stop his momentum, so Matt chases after her, running into a trap by Mercury.
Thanks to the trap, MNM is in clear control of Matt, hitting a double team gut buster. MNM makes frequent tags, and double team Matt at every opportunity. Matt refuses to stay down for near falls. This match has become so formulaic and basic, I don’t even want to do play by play for it anymore. Nitro takes a moment to knock Jeff off the apron, giving him and Mercury time for some double teams. Jeff tries to enter, but that is apparently not allowed by Mr. Referee. The match is so boring now that Tazz is reminiscing about his Smackdown days. Seriously. Back in the match, Matt reverses a double suplex into a double neck breaker. Matt nearly makes the tag, but MNM knocks Jeff down again. MNM copy the Hardy’s poetry in motion, while Melina screams in celebration. Mercury tries to steal the twist of fate, but Matt shoves him into Nitro, who was on the turnbuckle. Jeff is finally tagged in and cleans house. Jeff gets a close fall on Mercury, but Nitro ruins it. MNM tries to double team, but Matt clotheslines Mercury to the floor and springboards onto him. This sparks an “ECW” chant. Nitro then leaps over the ropes onto both of them. Jeff finishes the set with a crossbody off the turnbuckle onto MNM. The crowd is desperate for some fun and give this a “holy shit” chant.
Back in the ring, the Hardys hit the poetry in motion, twist of fate, but miss on Jeff’s Swanton bomb. Nitro springboards into a missile drop kick onto Jeff, as Matt and Mercury are both back on the floor. Nitro goes to work on Jeff’s lower back, capitalizing on the missed Swanton bomb. Mercury tags in and they double slingshot Jeff into the turnbuckle. Jeff is the new face in peril and suffers the inevitable surfboard stretch from Mercury. Jeff fights out, so MNM continue the tag and double team strategy. The crowd entertains themselves with a “she’s a crack whore” chant directed towards Melina. Jeff is planted onto the floor, and Melina gets some cheap shots in. MNM goes back to the frequent tags, and this match is dead. On the plus side, MNM’s offense looks good. Matt runs in and interrupts a cover attempt. Jeff tries to fight back with a sunset flip, but Nitro made a blind tag. Mercury goes for another rest hold. I guess they are stalling for time while the writers are out back throwing darts at names to decide what the rest of the card looks like.
Nitro continues the attack on Jeff while Mercury pulls Matt off the apron. MNM tries to double sling shot Jeff into the turnbuckle again, which of course means that Jeff transitions this into the whisper of the wind. Matt is FINALLY tagged in and cleans house. Matt hits the side effect on both members of MNM and nearly pins Nitro. Matt hits the off the ropes leg drop, but Nitro kicks out! Jeff tags in and goes for a powerbomb off the ropes, but Mercury stops them and inventively flips Jeff onto the mat. I’m adding a ½* for that spot alone. Matt and Jeff set Mercury and Nitro up on opposite turnbuckles for superplexes. Jeff gets a cover, but Melina is on the apron for a distraction. Jeff angrily confronts her, and Nitro accidentally drop kicks Melina off the apron. Jeff gets a very close roll-up. MNM hit the snap shot on Jeff, and Matt just barely breaks up the following cover attempt. MNM plant Jeff on the turnbuckles and try to hit a super snap shot! Matt makes the save and hits a double neck breaker off the top! Jeff hits a Swanton on both members of MNM and finally gets the pinfall victory at 22:23! This match had some very inventive spots, but also some really dead and boring spots. I would say **1/2, but I have to factor in that ½* I promised, so **3/4. No hot pokers necessary here.
Winners: The Hardy Boyz
Backstage, Rob Van Dam cuts a promo putting over the extreme elimination chamber match. RVD knows he might not walk out of the match, but the risks are worth the prize: the ECW title.
Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney
Vince gets five hot pokers for booking Mahoney in a non extreme rules match on pay-per-view. Before the match, Striker takes the microphone and puts himself over to some surprisingly potent heat from the crowd. Striker announces that his opponent is Mahoney, which the crowd is pleased to hear. Striker then puts over the extreme elimination chamber match too. Striker feels like he owes it to the crowd to restore order in a violent society. Striker teases making the match extreme rules, but swerves it into being fought under extreme enforcement of the rules. That’s right, give the crowd something else to be angry about. No hot pokers, since this was one of the better Striker promos I have heard.
Striker names his own rules for the match, including “no profanity.” Striker also has his own face on the back of his tights. That is extreme, man. Tazz and Styles have some good times making fun of this. Mahoney goes for Striker’s leg, but Striker gets a rope break. They tie up and Mahoney takes control after some running around. Mahoney gets an arm toss and locks his legs around Striker. Striker breaks free and hides in the ropes. They tease a tie up again, but Striker aggressively strikes Mahoney instead. Striker dodges a rampaging Mahoney, causing him to plummet shoulder first into the turnbuckle. Striker goes to work on the arm. A “Striker sucks” chant breaks out, while the arm attacks continue. Mahoney rolls Striker into a cover attempt, but Striker kicks out and goes back on the arm attack. The crowd threatens to turn on this match if things don’t pick up soon. Mahoney tries to mount a come back with some punches, and a side walk slam. Mahoney gets a near fall and goes high risk. Striker shakes the ropes, and Mahoney plummets to the mat. Striker rolls into an armbar. Mahoney almost taps, but gets into the ropes. Mahoney mounts another come back with his specialty punches and back body drop. The crowd is polite enough to chant around with the punches. Mahoney gets a sit-down power bomb for the victory at 7:22 after Striker teased a comeback! This match felt like a glorified Heat match, but Striker showed some good stuff with his vicious arm attacks, *1/4.
Winner: Balls Mahoney
Backstage, CM Punk is getting pumped up for the elimination chamber. He doesn’t say anything, just throwing punches. Three hot pokers for not playing to Punk’s strengths.
Elsewhere, Sabu has been found pummeled. Paul Heyman takes him out of the main event. 20 hot pokers for waiting until after the show started before removing Sabu from the match, and another 20 hot pokers for replacing him with Hardcore Holly. The crowd chants “bullshit” and I couldn’t agree more.
Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke vs. The FBI (with Trinity)
Terkay was released almost immediately after this show. Burke takes the microphone before the match and puts himself over. Like a wild animal in heat, they will leave their mark on ECW. Two hot pokers for that stupid comment. The FBI make their entrance, and Tazz is drooling over Trinity now.
Burke starts with Little Guido and they do a little chain wrestling. Little Guido steals Burke’s obnoxious hat and puts it on himself. Now that’s entertainment! Mamaluke tags in and goes for the side headlock. This transitions into some arm wrenching, and a tag to Guido. The FBI double teams Burke and Guido tries a cover. Burke manages to fight his way to Terkay and makes the tag. The FBI are more or less dead now, as Terkay is a manbearpig. Terkay methodically slugs away on Mamaluke, but misses a splash into the corner. Guido tags in and goes for a crossbody, but Terkay catches him. While holding Guido, he kicks Mamaluke with a big boot, and throws Guido at him over the ropes. This earns a “you still suck” chant. The tag is made to Burke, who gets an upper cut and then the reverse chin lock on Guido. Guido tries to fight back, and gets sent flying into Terkay’s corner. Guido quickly strikes at both men, but Terkay knocks him down. The crowd chants “FBI” as Guido suffers some double team shots. Burke hits a nice clothesline and a legsweep. Mamaluke interrupts a cover, but Burke goes for the headlock. Tag is made to Mamaluke, who hits a couple of drop kicks and a flying forearm. Terkay enters, and gets drop kicked by both FBI members into the knees. Burke suffers a double flap jack, and Mamaluke goes for the cover. Burke barely kicked out. Terkay pulls Guido out of the ring, meanwhile Burke drops Mamaluke into Terkay’s elbow and hits “The Elijah Express” for the win at 6:41. This was actually decent, as Burke and the FBI looked promising. Terkay was inoffensive, but this felt like another glorified Heat match, *1/2. Five hot pokers for the lack of extreme rules.
Winners: Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke
After the match, Terkay hits a muscle buster on Mamaluke as one fan chants “TNA.”
Backstage, Sabu is being loaded into an ambulance. CM Punk and Rob Van Dam watch in concern.
Daivari (with The Great Khali) vs. Tommy Dreamer
Daivari continues the trend of the evening of having the heel cut a prematch promo. Daivari is speaking Arabic, which still makes more sense than Khali’s English. Five hot pokers simply for Khali’s mere presence. Dreamer makes his entrance, and he looks legitimately grumpy. I can’t say I blame him.
The fans are chanting “extreme rules” and “ECW” but they are in for another disappointment. 10 hot pokers for continuing to upset this crowd. They tie up, and Daivari immediately takes control. Dreamer reverses and Irish whip, so Daivari escapes to ringside. Daivari sneaks back in and aggressively assaults Dreamer. Dreamer hits an arm drag, sending Daivari to ringside for another breather. Daivari charges, but Dreamer drop toe holds him to the mat. Daivari rakes the eyes and hits a drop kick. Dreamer falls to ringside and eats a baseball slide. Dreamer reverses an Irish whip and sends Daivari into the barricade. Khali helps Daivari up, so this thrilling bout can continue. Back in the ring, Dreamer hits a suplex and runs into the ropes, but Khali pulls the ropes, causing Dreamer to crash to the floor. The referee kicks Khali out of the arena. The match restarts with Daivari hitting some basic offense. The crowd is chanting “we want hardcore.” I can’t help but think the Vince interpreted that chant as the crowd wanting Bob Holly.
Daivari has a headlock on Dreamer, because this match really needed a rest hold. Dreamer fights out, but that crafty Daivari continues with the generic offense and another rest hold. The crowd is chanting “fuck him up, Dreamer.” Daivari gets a sleeper in and the crowd is absolutely shitting on this now. They were patient up until now, I give them credit for that. 30 hot pokers just for the hell of it. Dreamer drops Daivari back to the mat, and both men are down. They trade shots while standing up, with Dreamer winning the exchange. Dreamer hits a back body drop and a scoop slam. Dreamer hits an inverted DDT and gets a close fall. Dreamer goes for the Dreamer Driver, but Daivari goes for the eyes and escapes. Daivari climbs up top, but Dreamer follows, only to get knocked down. Daivari misses a flying cross body. Dreamer places Daivari in the tree of woe and the crowd wakes up. Dreamer hits a drop kick to the head. Daivari almost immediately comes back with a roll up and pulls on the tights for the victory at 7:23! The crowd did not like that one single bit. 50 hot pokers for continuing to piss off an already angry crowd and DUD.
Winner: Daivari
After the match, Khali reemerges and hits the double Chokeslam on Dreamer right onto the stage. Something the WWE does not seem to realize is that if they wanted the new ECW to work, they needed to treat the ECW originals like stars, even if they weren’t in the larger scaled of the WWE. Treating Dreamer like a jobber only pisses off the old ECW fans and makes the new fans wonder why Dreamer was such a big deal in the first place. 50 more hot pokers for using Dreamer to put over Daivari and Khali, both of which would be shipped to the other brands soon after.
We are treated to some hype for See No Evil. 50 hot pokers for using the brand that is supposed to be rebellious against all things WWE to promote a WWE movie.
Backstage, Paul Heyman is wandering around. He finds Hardcore Holly and officially puts him into the main event as an attempt to do “what is best for ECW.” 15 hot pokers for making Heyman say such a crock of shit. The crowd is pissed off that Holly is in the main event.
Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly vs. Kevin Thorn and Ariel
Kelly takes the microphone before the match and wishes CM Punk good luck in the extreme elimination chamber. Knox is not pleased with this, and a great “CM Punk” chant breaks out. Thorn and Ariel have an awesome entrance, thought I’d mention that. I actually enjoy the entire vampirism gimmick, I just wish that they’d given Thorn a more bad-ass name. Imagine if in 1998, the Brood had consisted of David Fang, Adam Edge, and Christian Cage? Well, the last part kind of stuck, but sue me.
Knox and Thorn kick the match off, while Tazz and Styles speculate about “bite clubs.” They tie up and shove each other off. Knox misses a clothesline and Thorn fires away with some shots. Thorn whips Knox into an elbow and stomps away at the back. Knox pulls Thorn by the hair and hits a great looking lariat clothesline. Knox angrily punches away at Thorn. This doesn’t last, as Thorn comes back with a clothesline. The crowd is dead, but at least they aren’t openly booing. Thorn beats Knox into the corner and is pulled off by the ref. This seemingly turned Ariel on. Knox comes back with a snapmare, but is unable to keep long term control. He does hit a big boot and gets a near fall. Knox goes for a sleeper, because we haven’t seen enough of those tonight. 15 hot pokers just for the boring nature of these matches. Thorn pushes Knox into his corner while trapped in the head lock and tags in Ariel. Knox reluctantly tags in Kelly. Ariel dominates Kelly right away. Kelly is totally inexperienced, so they are limited in what they can do. Ariel tries to cover by stomping, punching, and choking. Kelly tries to make the tag to Knox, but Ariel keeps up the attack. Kelly kicks Ariel off of her, but Knox decides he’d rather not make the tag and walks off. Ariel finishes Kelly with a legsweep for the victory at 7:43. This was horrible, but at least something significant happened, ¼*. Unfortunately, this match didn’t do any favors for any of the participants.
Winners: Kevin Thorn and Ariel
After the match, Ariel keeps attacking Kelly, but The Sandman makes an unscheduled appearance. 25 hot pokers for not booking Sandman in a match. The crowd is happy to see Sandman, who has a kendo stick in hand. Sandman unleashes his fury on Thorn, and the crowd comes alive at the sight of some actual violence!
Backstage, Michael Cole is pimping Smackdown’s pay-per-view, Armageddon. 10 hot pokers for this blatant shilling, and for holding so many pay-per-views in such a short amount of time. And to think, the WWE actually are confused as to why the buyrates to all of those late 2006 shows were so pathetic.
Backstage, some random diva is standing by with Bobby Lashley. They take a look back at Lashley’s match against the Big Show from a couple weeks ago. The match ended when Heyman orchestrated a beat down on Lashley, thanks to Test and Show. 15 hot pokers for giving Lashley mic time. Lashley doesn’t give a damn what Heyman throws at him, because nothing can stop him. He is one man with one mission, and that’s to be the ECW World Champion.
That’s right, it is time for the main event after only about an hour and a half. 30 hot pokers for holding such a short pay-per-view, this was barely longer than one of those old TNA weekly shows.
ECW World Championship:
Extreme Elimination Chamber
Big Show © vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Bobby Lashley vs. CM Punk vs. Test
Rob Van Dam and Hardcore Holly are the first two in the match. RVD takes control with his trademark offense, until running into a clothesline. Holly tries to pin RVD in the early going. Holly kicks away, but RVD fires back with some punches. The action spills over the ropes into the steel area. RVD leaps off the ropes but misses Holly. RVD bounces off the cage but misses Holly again, landing in the ropes. Holly rams RVD head first into the cage, and the crowd is actually enjoying this. Holly slams RVD onto the steel and climbs the turnbuckle. RVD gets a boot to the face of an incoming Holly, in a seriously contrived spot. RVD then hits a rolling thunder over the ropes onto Holly on the steel. RVD should really participate in more of these matches. Holly reverses a suplex and drops RVD back into the ring. Holly goes for a cover, but RVD is still alive. Holly soon hits a big drop kick and goes for another cover.
The first man out of the chamber is CM Punk, who immediately throws a chair at Holly and springboards off the ropes into RVD. Punk tosses the chair at RVD, who catches it and throws it right back at him. RVD then sloppily monkey flips Punk onto the chair. Punk then dodges some kicks from RVD and leg drops him onto the chair. Punk is in control of RVD, hitting some elbow shots and driving his head into a chair positioned in the ropes. Punk goes for a head scissors on Holly on the steel, but Holly catches him and swings him into the cage! Big “CM Punk” chant from the fans, as Holly dominates him. Holly plants Punk gut first on the ropes and kicks him in the head. Holly sets Punk up on the top rope and chops him. Holly hits a big superplex. RVD goes for the cover on Punk, who kicks out. That would have been really lame. Holly goes for a cover too, but Punk kicks out again. Punk reverses an Irish whip on Holly, and goes for a bull dog but gets kicked in the face by RVD. Test is the next man in the match.
Test has a weapon and goes straight to rubbing it in RVD’s face. Test then chokes the life out of Punk. The weapon appears to be a cane. Test goes back to Punk, who surprises him with a stunner. RVD is meanwhile battling Holly, but takes a moment to hit Test with a chair. RVD then drop kicks the chair right onto CM Punk’s face! RVD goes top rope and hits the five star frog splash and eliminates CM Punk at 12:22. 15 hot pokers up the ass for making Punk the first elimination. Test big boots Holly and almost pins him. Actually, it counted as an elimination, even though Holly appeared to kick out. So, Holly is eliminated at 12:40. That was pointless, let’s give another 10 hot pokers to Vince’s ass. RVD climbs to the top and hits a flying kick on Test. RVD goes for the five star frog splash again, this time on top of Big Show’s chamber. Show grabs RVD through the ceiling, allowing Test to climb up and hit RVD with a chair. Test drops RVD to the mat and places the chair on top of him. Test climbs to the top of Show’s chamber and hits a HUGE flying elbow! That was awesome! Test then eliminates Rob Van Dam at 13:58, which is awful booking, 25 hot pokers for that. It would have been more, if Test’s elbow drop had not been awesome. The crowd is pissed off, and rightfully so. They eliminated Punk and RVD only so that they wouldn’t get more crowd support than Lashley, and if that was the case than 50 hot pokers for Lashley being in this match in the first place.
Lashley joins the match, but Heyman’s cronies prevent the official from opening his chamber. Test taunts him from outside, so Lashley grabs the table in the chamber and uses it to break through the ceiling. Test climbs up to meet him, but gets kicked down. Lashley hits a flying clothesline off the turnbuckle. Lashley dominates Test, throwing him into the cage walls. The action spills back into the ring, where Test regains control, choking Lashley with his boot. Test takes a chair, but Lashley kicks it into his head. Lashley hits a series of clotheslines, as the crowd boos. Lashley connects with a snap suplex and dodges a chair shot. Lashley spears Test and eliminates him at 19:38. The crowd is not happy with how this match is turning out. There is still more than a minute before Big Show enters the ring, so he takes advice from a screaming Paul Heyman at ringside. Lashley prepares for Show by getting the table out of his chamber. The minute goes by really slowly, and Lashley throws a chair at Show’s chamber to try and keep things interesting.
Big Show finally enters the match, and is yielding a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. Show swings the bat, but Lashley blocks it with the chair. Show gets the bat stuck in the cage, allowing Lashley to get a chair shot in. Lashley rams Show’s head into the steel and poses to a great amount of jeers from the jaded fans. Lashley then whips Big Show into the bullet proof glass chamber, shattering it. Lashley violently pursues Show, who is bleeding now. Lashley is then tossed over the ropes into the ring. Show hits a clothesline and signals the Chokeslam. Lashley blocks the Chokeslam and hits a DDT. They trade shots until Show pushes Lashley into the corner. Lashley then runs into Show’s arms, but escapes a slam. Lashley hits a big spear for the win at 24:41 and becomes the ECW World Champion! This definitely gets a mixed reaction from the fans. I’m watching this with Spanish commentary on, so I’m sure I’m missing some awesome crowd chants, but oh well. 25 hot pokers for Lashley winning the ECW title about two weeks after joining the brand, an extra 30 hot pokers for eliminating RVD and Punk so quickly, and 50 pokers for making Big Show’s final pay-per-view match before retirement go down this way. Aside from the bad taste of the booking here, the match was pretty solid, had some great spots involving the chamber, and kept a good pace, **3/4.
Winner and new ECW World Champion: Bobby Lashley
Final Thoughts: Reviewing this show has given me a headache. This pay-per-view is a study in awfulness. It was like Vince and company wanted this show to fail in the worst way possible. From removing Sabu from the main event, to rubbing it in the fans faces that the midcard matches weren’t extreme rules, to eliminating RVD and Punk because they knew they would be favored over Lashley, to having the show just barely reach the two hour mark, I don’t even know how to begin to comprehend how anyone backstage at WWE thought this show was a good idea. If this wasn’t blatant sabotage, then Vince is really out of his mind.
What is even more amazing is that Vince thinks the tactic of only announcing two matches beforehand was a good idea and that it will be used for other brand pay-per-views in the future. I really hope the abysmal buyrate of 90,000 snapped him out of that mindset.
Finally, they had SIX MONTHS to build this show after One Night Stand. And what did they do with those six months? Did they develop meaningful feuds and push a strong midcard? No, they jobbed the ECW originals to guys who weren’t going to get over anyway, and had frequent guest stars from Raw and Smackdown to try and boost ratings. The few feuds they did have going (RVD vs. Show, Punk vs. Knox) were basically forgotten about. The devolution of ECW from One Night Stand to December to Dismember is remarkable and a study of how NOT to run a wrestling show.
Thumbs down about as far as possible.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The current Wrestlemania 25 card.
We're still a couple of weeks away from Wrestlemania 25, but I thought I'd take a minute to look at what's already announced, what will likely be added to the card, and some predictions.
WWE Championship: Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton
At one point this match was supposed to main event Wrestlemania 21, but Orton was fizzling at that point (and while no one would admit it, Triple H was at a low point as far as being an effective main eventer went, and needed someone who was hot at the time, like Batista, to make it work). I expect this match will be the show closer and will likely be good. My only problem with it is that we've seen Orton vs. Triple H several times, many of which in the last year and a half. Their previous matches have ranged from highly enjoyable (street fight at No Mercy 2007) to grating (Unforgiven 2004), but Orton has come a long way as a performer and Triple H is a reliable ring hand when he's motivated and has his working boots on. As per usual with my predictions, I predict Triple H retains if this goes on last, but Orton will win if this pulls a middle of the show position.
World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Big Show vs. John Cena
I am actually a bit relieved that Show was added to the match since Cena/Edge is another pairing that has happened numerous times, probably too often to have been an attractive Wrestlemania showdown. Show adds a wild card to the match, and while he more than likely isn't going to take the championship, adds another element to the storyline. It's been entertaining watching Vickie become torn between the two heels, and in many ways this is really just their storyline now, with Cena thrown in merely to make sure the crowd doesn't lose interest. The aspect that this match probably won't be headlining makes me think that Edge could retain, sort of how Orton won the triple threat WWE title match last year. It's up in the air whether or not Cena needs to take the championship, since the draft will take place so quickly after Wrestlemania, so if Raw doesn't have a World title then there's an easy solution.
Money in the Bank Ladder match: CM Punk vs. Mark Henry vs. Christian vs. Finlay vs. Kofi Kingston vs. MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kane
It'll be a beautiful day when CM Punk and Shelton Benjamin are given the chance to do something else at Wrestlemania than make sure this match is a success, but at least they get to be on the big show. There's really no telling who is going to take the brief case this year. Punk just won it last year, Henry seems to have peaked in his current role, Vince doesn't want to push Christian, Finlay is a JTTS, Kingston probably isn't ready, MVP just got off a months long jobbing streak, and Benjamin is only here to provide some high spots. That leaves Kane, since he's continually over and every couple of months the booking team gets the itch to push him as a title threat again. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict Kane as the winner. Also, the participants this year are varied enough so we'll see a different type of Ladder match, as obviously you won't see Mark Henry doing sunset flips over the ladder, etc.
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy
To be honest, I haven't been keeping up with Smackdown, so I can't really judge how the build is going. Jeff Hardy has been one of the hottest WWE stars over the past two years and Matt's betrayal will be a sore spot to many of the younger fans. I am hoping that this will end up being a quality match, as both Hardy's have grown as performers since their stinker of a feud in late 2001. That feud was so disasterous that the Hardys actually had to spend some time off television so that their image could recover. But now in 2009, I consider Matt to be one of the most underrated stars on the roster due to his ability to have strong matches with everyone he's paired against, and Jeff is a much more well rounded performer who had a string of quality main event matches in the last year. Having a great match against each other at Wrestlemania would do a lot for both of them. I predict that Jeff goes over, unless the dreaded Wellness Policy fairy strikes again.
The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
This feels awful thrown together and forced thus far. I like that Shawn Michaels isn't going through the tired motions of being terrified of all the Undertaker's light and pyro tricks and special effects, though it would be more interesting if someone they were trying to build up could do that. I would be a lot more interested if Shawn would go full blown heel, even if it was temporary (similar to what he did against Hogan in 2005) because no one is going to boo The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. With a little luck, they can achieve the same chemistry and work-rate they found in their famed Hell in a Cell match from 1997 and the intense heat of their finals encounter at the 2007 Royal Rumble. Obviously, the Undertaker will go over.
Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat, and Jimmy Snuka
Well, this is definitely not the direction anyone expected them to go with Jericho's kicking-legends-in-the-shin angle. I'm guessing this is a last minute rehandling of the feud because a certain Texas Rattlesnake decided he didn't want to wrestle after all, and another certain Best Actor runner up didn't want to cheapen his movie by actually wrestling for real. The match will probably not be any good from a work-rate standpoint, but these four are smart enough to put something together that will at least be entertaining. My prediction is that Jericho comes up short when Ric Flair gets involved.
25 Diva Battle Royal
Every diva in the company will participate, and WWE is trying their darndest to get former divas to return for one night. So far we know that Wendi Richter and Lita aren't interested, so hopefully they can pull in Trish Stratus, Sunny, Molly Holly, Jazz, Ivory, and a host of others to give this the right level of novelty. No championships are on the line, but the winner will be named Ms. Wrestlemania. To be honest, I prefer they go this route then having potentially two women's championship matches, since I can count the number of talented in-ring competitors on one hand.
So those are the official matches. They haven't done a terrible job of getting most of the workers who deserve to be on the show on the card so far. The rumored JBL/Rey Mysterio match for the Intercontinental Championship was teased on this week's Raw by the commentators around the time Rey was done making short work of Dolph Ziggler. That would be a fine addition to the card as they have had enjoyable matches in the past, and it's great to see the IC title getting defended on Wrestlemania for the first time since Wrestlemania X8 in 2002. We should also expect that John Morrison and The Miz will battle Carlito and Primo Colon. I would hope that their match could be a unification match, and that we can go back to only having one set of tag team champions. By having the Tag Team titles as property of ECW, it gives the champions the freedom to face teams on both Raw and Smackdown, and there are barely enough teams on all three brands to justify having Tag Team belts in the first place. Finally, I would expect that Jack Swagger will be added in an ECW Championship defense. I would predict that they are going to want to capitalize on the returning Matt Bourne, and he will be getting a title shot. It would be nice if they could include Tommy Dreamer somehow, since this will likely be his final chance to be on Wrestlemania as an active competitor. If it were up to me, it would be Swagger, Bourne, and Dreamer in a triple threat.
WWE Championship: Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton
At one point this match was supposed to main event Wrestlemania 21, but Orton was fizzling at that point (and while no one would admit it, Triple H was at a low point as far as being an effective main eventer went, and needed someone who was hot at the time, like Batista, to make it work). I expect this match will be the show closer and will likely be good. My only problem with it is that we've seen Orton vs. Triple H several times, many of which in the last year and a half. Their previous matches have ranged from highly enjoyable (street fight at No Mercy 2007) to grating (Unforgiven 2004), but Orton has come a long way as a performer and Triple H is a reliable ring hand when he's motivated and has his working boots on. As per usual with my predictions, I predict Triple H retains if this goes on last, but Orton will win if this pulls a middle of the show position.
World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Big Show vs. John Cena
I am actually a bit relieved that Show was added to the match since Cena/Edge is another pairing that has happened numerous times, probably too often to have been an attractive Wrestlemania showdown. Show adds a wild card to the match, and while he more than likely isn't going to take the championship, adds another element to the storyline. It's been entertaining watching Vickie become torn between the two heels, and in many ways this is really just their storyline now, with Cena thrown in merely to make sure the crowd doesn't lose interest. The aspect that this match probably won't be headlining makes me think that Edge could retain, sort of how Orton won the triple threat WWE title match last year. It's up in the air whether or not Cena needs to take the championship, since the draft will take place so quickly after Wrestlemania, so if Raw doesn't have a World title then there's an easy solution.
Money in the Bank Ladder match: CM Punk vs. Mark Henry vs. Christian vs. Finlay vs. Kofi Kingston vs. MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kane
It'll be a beautiful day when CM Punk and Shelton Benjamin are given the chance to do something else at Wrestlemania than make sure this match is a success, but at least they get to be on the big show. There's really no telling who is going to take the brief case this year. Punk just won it last year, Henry seems to have peaked in his current role, Vince doesn't want to push Christian, Finlay is a JTTS, Kingston probably isn't ready, MVP just got off a months long jobbing streak, and Benjamin is only here to provide some high spots. That leaves Kane, since he's continually over and every couple of months the booking team gets the itch to push him as a title threat again. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict Kane as the winner. Also, the participants this year are varied enough so we'll see a different type of Ladder match, as obviously you won't see Mark Henry doing sunset flips over the ladder, etc.
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy
To be honest, I haven't been keeping up with Smackdown, so I can't really judge how the build is going. Jeff Hardy has been one of the hottest WWE stars over the past two years and Matt's betrayal will be a sore spot to many of the younger fans. I am hoping that this will end up being a quality match, as both Hardy's have grown as performers since their stinker of a feud in late 2001. That feud was so disasterous that the Hardys actually had to spend some time off television so that their image could recover. But now in 2009, I consider Matt to be one of the most underrated stars on the roster due to his ability to have strong matches with everyone he's paired against, and Jeff is a much more well rounded performer who had a string of quality main event matches in the last year. Having a great match against each other at Wrestlemania would do a lot for both of them. I predict that Jeff goes over, unless the dreaded Wellness Policy fairy strikes again.
The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
This feels awful thrown together and forced thus far. I like that Shawn Michaels isn't going through the tired motions of being terrified of all the Undertaker's light and pyro tricks and special effects, though it would be more interesting if someone they were trying to build up could do that. I would be a lot more interested if Shawn would go full blown heel, even if it was temporary (similar to what he did against Hogan in 2005) because no one is going to boo The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. With a little luck, they can achieve the same chemistry and work-rate they found in their famed Hell in a Cell match from 1997 and the intense heat of their finals encounter at the 2007 Royal Rumble. Obviously, the Undertaker will go over.
Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat, and Jimmy Snuka
Well, this is definitely not the direction anyone expected them to go with Jericho's kicking-legends-in-the-shin angle. I'm guessing this is a last minute rehandling of the feud because a certain Texas Rattlesnake decided he didn't want to wrestle after all, and another certain Best Actor runner up didn't want to cheapen his movie by actually wrestling for real. The match will probably not be any good from a work-rate standpoint, but these four are smart enough to put something together that will at least be entertaining. My prediction is that Jericho comes up short when Ric Flair gets involved.
25 Diva Battle Royal
Every diva in the company will participate, and WWE is trying their darndest to get former divas to return for one night. So far we know that Wendi Richter and Lita aren't interested, so hopefully they can pull in Trish Stratus, Sunny, Molly Holly, Jazz, Ivory, and a host of others to give this the right level of novelty. No championships are on the line, but the winner will be named Ms. Wrestlemania. To be honest, I prefer they go this route then having potentially two women's championship matches, since I can count the number of talented in-ring competitors on one hand.
So those are the official matches. They haven't done a terrible job of getting most of the workers who deserve to be on the show on the card so far. The rumored JBL/Rey Mysterio match for the Intercontinental Championship was teased on this week's Raw by the commentators around the time Rey was done making short work of Dolph Ziggler. That would be a fine addition to the card as they have had enjoyable matches in the past, and it's great to see the IC title getting defended on Wrestlemania for the first time since Wrestlemania X8 in 2002. We should also expect that John Morrison and The Miz will battle Carlito and Primo Colon. I would hope that their match could be a unification match, and that we can go back to only having one set of tag team champions. By having the Tag Team titles as property of ECW, it gives the champions the freedom to face teams on both Raw and Smackdown, and there are barely enough teams on all three brands to justify having Tag Team belts in the first place. Finally, I would expect that Jack Swagger will be added in an ECW Championship defense. I would predict that they are going to want to capitalize on the returning Matt Bourne, and he will be getting a title shot. It would be nice if they could include Tommy Dreamer somehow, since this will likely be his final chance to be on Wrestlemania as an active competitor. If it were up to me, it would be Swagger, Bourne, and Dreamer in a triple threat.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Sunday Thoughts
Early yesterday morning I logged onto 411Mania and discovered that Andrew "Test" Martin had been found dead in his home at the age of 34. I was shocked and saddened to hear that another wrestler whom I had been a fan of in my youth had passed away. To be honest, Test kind of lost me with the Scott Steiner feud in 2003 and his 2006 return to ECW didn't set the world on fire, but in my younger, more innocent "mark" days, I liked Test quite a bit. There was a transition period in my life when I went from liking professional wrestling to loving it and having it become my main entertainment interest. A big part of the hook that pulled me in was Test's romance with Stephanie McMahon, and the match he had against Shane at Summerslam 1999 for the right to be with her. If I were to go back and watch the match now, I might not be as impressed with it, but at the time I thought it was dramatic storytelling at it's finest. Later on when Stephanie dumped Test for Triple H, I was begging for Test to get some revenge. It never quite panned out, but it was a joy to see Test squash William Regal for the European Championship. From there, I kept waiting for Test to get elevated to the main event, and that never happened either. A lot of people like to blame Test's lack of ability for this, but I would point out that there were times when Test was legitimately on fire with the fans and had the WWF taken advantage of that instead of putting him on the backburner, Test could have been a big deal. I feel the same way about Shelton Benjamin more often than not these days.
There has been a lot of debating lately over the announcement that Koko B. Ware is going to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. I can definitely see both sides of the argument. Those that support this induction will say that Ware was ahead of his time, a memorable character, and consistently over with the fans. Detractors will point out that he was a glorified jobber, an average worker, and never held any major titles or was a top draw. It is pleasing to me that the WWE Hall of Fame is taken so seriously these days, because when it was first brought back in 2004, the attitude I saw across the IWC was that it was a joke. The induction of Pete Rose that year didn't help, though I do buy the explanation that the HOF has a celebrity wing and that the induction of a celebrity isn't treated with the same importance as when true wrestling legends get inducted. In the end, I do not mind the induction of Ware as he is someone that a lot of people do remember and he was a popular character in an age when wrestling was incredibly hot. Induction Ware does open the door to possible future inductions of other midcarders from the past ten years that some people may not consider worthy either. Think about it, guys like Val Venis, D'Lo Brown, Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, Goldust, and The Godfather were popular midcarders during the Attitude Era and all held the Intercontinental Championship. I can see it being spun by WWE that these guys could get in some day, why not, since Koko B. Ware is in? Ultimately, I see the Hall of Fame as a nice chance to remember the stars of yesterday and give them a moment for their hard work in front of an audience of their peers. The Hall of Fame didn't mean anything to me until I started witnessing how touched many of the inductees were. That's what it's really about, I'm not worried about protecting it from any "unworthy" additions.
There has been a lot of debating lately over the announcement that Koko B. Ware is going to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. I can definitely see both sides of the argument. Those that support this induction will say that Ware was ahead of his time, a memorable character, and consistently over with the fans. Detractors will point out that he was a glorified jobber, an average worker, and never held any major titles or was a top draw. It is pleasing to me that the WWE Hall of Fame is taken so seriously these days, because when it was first brought back in 2004, the attitude I saw across the IWC was that it was a joke. The induction of Pete Rose that year didn't help, though I do buy the explanation that the HOF has a celebrity wing and that the induction of a celebrity isn't treated with the same importance as when true wrestling legends get inducted. In the end, I do not mind the induction of Ware as he is someone that a lot of people do remember and he was a popular character in an age when wrestling was incredibly hot. Induction Ware does open the door to possible future inductions of other midcarders from the past ten years that some people may not consider worthy either. Think about it, guys like Val Venis, D'Lo Brown, Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, Goldust, and The Godfather were popular midcarders during the Attitude Era and all held the Intercontinental Championship. I can see it being spun by WWE that these guys could get in some day, why not, since Koko B. Ware is in? Ultimately, I see the Hall of Fame as a nice chance to remember the stars of yesterday and give them a moment for their hard work in front of an audience of their peers. The Hall of Fame didn't mean anything to me until I started witnessing how touched many of the inductees were. That's what it's really about, I'm not worried about protecting it from any "unworthy" additions.
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